Sunday, December 16, 2007

Mission Accomplished

Wow. I feel high right now. After all the games this season that have gone down to the wire, after all the injuries, after all the giant British JT robots, we finally did it. Cleo Lemon had a hell of a game and the defense came through in spades. It wasn't perfect, but the days of criticizing Dolphin wins is over.

After our only win this season, I got bombarded with emails about people relating their feelings and experiences about it. I had a really great time reading all the emails and comments and it reminded me how important this team is to all of us. It also reminded me of the alarmingly high number of grown men who can be brought to tears by one great game. Here are some of them.

"I couldn't help it. I had tears after this one. It was awesome! I've never screamed at my tv as much as I was on that last play. I wonder if Camarillo could hear me telling him to run? I was hollering loud enough for him to, even if I do live in south Louisiana."

"i had to listen to the whole game on the radio cuz i was drivin home from palm beach. on the missed field goal and the last play i nearly ran off the highway haha"

"Being in "Buccaneerland", the closest I got to seeing the game was watching the scores on the bottom of the screen. In a house full of non-Dolphins fans, I jumped up, threw my hands up and screamed "WE ARE NO LONGER WINLESS!!!"

"I had to go to a bar with the NFL TICKET yesterday cause we don't get PHIN games in Orlando...Anyways I had to beg the bartender to put the game on, and Dolphin fans sometimes get heckled in this bar.But by the end of game the game was on the 3 screens behind the bar and everyone was on the edge of their seats, and man when Cleo aired it up.Everyone was screaming and clapping.Awesome!"

"I was screaming and jumping up and down while Camarillo ran down the field. I was going nuts. Even my husband and our neighbor (a Jets Fan and Raiders Fan) were excited for them!! WAHOO!!!"

"I didn't yell that loud since i dropped a 45 pound dumbell on my foot. i was sooooooooo loud.
haha IT was soooooooooo sweet. Never thought i wuld be so happy that were one and thirteen."

"Yep...Awesome finish!!! All I wanted was to win 1 game now LOL Now that we did it...Do I get a date with one of the Miami Cheerleaders of my choice???"

"I am the happiest gal on earth! You should have seen the stadium, it was like we DID win the superbowl!"

"1-13 never felt so GOOOD!"

"dudeeeeee. 1-13!!!!! if i was a girl id ask jason taylor to get me pregnant"

"Thank god we got the "W". So happy I got to catch the end of the game out here on the Big Island (Hawaii). Whew...I was getting worried."

"I smell a comeback, i think if we keep this winning streak going (yes, it counts as a streak), and if we pay the right people, or do what the pats do... i can see us make it to this year's superbowl...
just maybe..."


We did it. We're not the worst team of all time. Now all we have to do is beat the Patriots and it won't be a lost season. Also as a tip to help them accomplish this.....

Pass to Greg Camarillo More Often 
The shocking play that ended the game was even more shocking because the player who did it was someone I didn't even know was on our active roster. It appears he can catch. Perhaps throwing to him in the future might work.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Have Jason Taylor Fight Cam Cameron to the Death

The last two games against the Bills and Jets confirmed what many had suspected, that the Dolphins have actually become worse as the season has gone on, regressing from a semi-competitive team who couldn’t catch a break into a laughable blooper reel of a team who only serves to give easy wins to otherwise terrible teams. Aside from their on-field play getting worse, there are signs of division off the field, the biggest of which seems to be the growing rift between Jason Taylor and coach Cam Cameron. A team cannot expect to succeed with its only healthy star feuding with its coach, which leaves one rational decision.

Have Jason Taylor Fight Cam Cameron to the Death 

Since the dawn of time, fights to the death have been used successfully to settle feuds. There is no way to know who would win this battle, but it’s clear that one of them needs to stay with the team and one of them needs to die. Their fight should be held at Dolphin Stadium so for once this season, Dolphin fans can leave the stadium with smiles on their faces.

Tale of the Tape

Jason Taylor
Cam Cameron
 Afraid of Heights
(Playing NFL)
(Head Coaching)
5 Pro Bowls

114 Sacks

Certified Badass
 Positive Attitude

Not afraid to
“Fail Forward Fast”

Monday, November 19, 2007

Hunt Down and Kill Every Post-Marino QB

Despite a first half interception, A.J. Feeley finished the game, completing 68% of his passes with a touchdown, for a QB rating of 80.2. It was the second time this season this has happened. It hurts to lose, but it hurts worse to lose to a former QB who you gave up a 2nd round pick for, who did nothing for your team. That EXACT situation has happened to us TWICE this season. I don’t think I can bear the thought of Joey Harrington or Brian Griese having a career game against us, and there’s only one way to make sure of that. We have to hunt down and kill every single QB we’ve had since Marino. There have been 12 QBs to start since Marino left and 3 are currently on our roster, so we just have to kill the other 9. Some of you may be thinking, “Some of these guys don’t even play football anymore.” That’s what the Arizona Cardinals thought. Then Vinnie Testaverde, who recently turned 44, got a phone call. A week later, he beat the Cardinals. Now imagine how you'd feel if Ray Lucas did that to us. As long as these guys are allowed to live, there is a chance they can humiliate the Dolphins. We need to find them and prevent this kind of humiliation from ever happening again.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Move the Dolphins Back to the Orange Bowl

I’m sure the Joe Robbie family is made up of all great people, but we have to consider the possibility that they may have defiled an Indian Burial Ground when they built Dolphin stadium. In the 16 seasons (1970-1986) the Dolphins played out of the Orange Bowl, they had 5 Super Bowl appearances, 2 Super Bowl wins and a perfect season. For the 20 seasons (1987-2007) they have played out of Dolphins Stadium… Well, you know the rest. The Dolphins accomplished nothing while the Hurricanes won four national championships playing out of their old stadium. The University of Miami just played their last game in the Orange Bowl on Saturday (Which could have gone better), so now the stadium is finally vacant for the Dolphins’ triumphant return. Among other things, the stadiums’ smaller size will make more of the Dolphins’ games sellouts, plus hopefully they won’t have to play on a baseball field for half the season anymore.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Ten Ways to Get More Fans to Come to Dolphin Games

Last week, The Miami Herald ran a story that the Dolphins are trying to invite a few celebrities to games, offering air-fare, luxury hotel accommodations and some spending money. Thus far, only Terrance Howard has accepted. Mathew McConaughey declined the invitation when they were unable to get him a private jet flight to Florida, and P. Diddy said he would do it and then didn’t show. During the week, PTI made fun of this a lot with Tony Kornheiser saying “This is pathetic, the very definition of being a loser; having to pay people to come to your games.” This story is pretty embarrassing. Why the Dolphins want to draw national attention to a team playing the way our team has been playing is beyond me. Do they really think Dolphin fans are going to say “Who cares if the team is bad and the coach is not even working toward the future, we might get to be in the same stadium as William Shatner!” Obviously the money and time they are using (unsuccessfully) to try to bribe celebs into watching these crappy games should be spent on making the team better so these games are actually worth watching, but that message is obviously lost on Huizenga. This is the same guy who forfeited a home game so the team could Eurotrip, the same guy who spent millions on the world’s largest HD screen so Dolfans can watch their team lose in crystal clear 720p High-Def. If we are not going to make the team better, bribing celebrities to come to our games is not the best way to get fans in. Here are my ideas:

Ten Ways to Get More Fans to Come to Dolphin Games 

1. Project other games on the big HD screen- Why waste that huge 137’ x 50’ HD screen on a game that has already been lost. When they played the Patriots and were down 42-7 at the half, they should have shown another, more competitive came on the screen in the second half so people would not have left.

2. Free Joey Porter valet service- It’s time he starts earning that $20 Million

3. Free dates with Cheerleaders to Season ticketholders- Let’s face it. These
Cheerleaders have not cheered well enough to let this team win. It’s not all their fault, but it’s time for them to do their part.

4. Lace all the food with LSD- Who cares how the team is doing when you can’t get the bats out of your hair?

5. Free Taser Giveaway Night- Combine this with the LSD food to produce the most interesting theme night ever, preferably when we play the Jets

6. Slot machines- These machines give fans a 1-in-100 chance of winning even when their team does not.

7. Ladies Night- “Are you crying because the Dolphins are losing, or are you just happy to see me?”

8. Free Wifi- Everyone likes Free WiFi, plus with the writers’ strike going on, there are a lot more people with laptops who have nothing to do on a Sunday.

9. Free beer every time the team gets a stupid penalty- If we can’t make our fans happy, we should at least make them drunk.

10. Pick Random Seat Numbers and let those people play Defensive Backs- Is an 8-year old girl really that much worse than Cameron Worrell?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Stop Pretending Like Character Matters

Notice I said pretending. As long as we are paying $20,000,000 to a guy who led a cowardly gang beating on someone in the middle of a Vegas casino, any talk of character and integrity on this team is hypocrisy. Yet aside from Porter, everyone else with any legal troubles has been dumped. We gave DT Fred Evans the boot just because he bit a Miami Police officer (Who among us hasn’t been there?). We’ve given Ricky Williams the cold shoulder just because he likes the Cartoon Network more than we would like (If you don’t like hacky sack, maybe there’s something wrong with YOU!). In addition, we traded Chris Chambers after a DUI and Randy McMichael because his wife doesn’t listen. The NFL and the world have changed. We now live in a society where you are allowed to put your dog to sleep but you’re not allowed to let that dog know what it feels like to be a champion, yet the facts remain the same.

What do O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor and Michael Irvin have in common? They were all first ballot Hall of Famers. The Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the mid-90s was practically a work release program. If we can have a talented team made up with players with strong morals and integrity like Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, awesome. But if I had to choose between our team being a winless group of guys with “Great Families” or an undefeated team of moral degenerates and HGH users led by an evil coach so morally bankrupt he cheats and steals, I’d take the latter. I’m tired of this illusion that football players have to be good role models. Even if that were true, what does a nice guy like John Beck teach kids? It teaches them if you follow the rules and do the right things, you will sit the bench on a winless team while other guys who run around making illegitimate babies while playing for coaches who cheat get to bang Gisselle Bundchen while being universally adored by everyone(Purely hypothetical).

Our top area of need is defense, particularly people who can chase and tackle people. If anything, I think we should recruit directly from prisons. We only get a few draft picks and prisons are an untapped well of talent, full of guys who can chase people down and prevent big runs and kickoff returns for touchdowns. Obviously we'd have to remove those Plasmas from the lockerroom, but change is never easy. After we start winning some games, we can start weeding out the crazier players on the team (Sorry Mad Dog) but at least we'd have a winning foundation and we wouldn't have to hear more positive thinking speeches from Cam Cameron about how even though we're losing, we're learning and growing. College is a place for learning. The NFL is a place for winning.  

Saving The Dolphins for Kids
Much like Whitney Houston, I believe that children are the future. I don't claim to have all the answers for the Dolphins problems, so occasionally, I am going to post a child's letter to the Dolphins, hoping that will improve things. If you have a child (or access to crayons and too much time on your hands) email me their ideas at

Monday, October 15, 2007

Replace the Secondary with the Cheerleaders

You saw the same game I did yesterday. I saw it on TIVO because a friend of mine got tickets to see the Eagles play the Jets at the Meadowlands. It was my first trip there, and believe me, it's everything you would imagine it would be. I hate the Jets a lot, but when I say they are a New Jersey team, people like to argue. If you are ever have any doubt, go to a game there. Everything you hate about the Jets is there in full effect. Every douchebag who has cut you off and given you the finger, every jerk who has told you, "This ain't cold, I grew up in Hackensack and it would snow everyday for month.", when it's 40 degrees in Miami, every single one of those guys were at this game in Wayne Chrebet jerseys. Watching them lose was nice, but watching the scoreboard as Miami was in the process of allowing the Browns to score 41 points was not. 

I was wearing a Miami Dolphins sweatshirt and an Eagles fan asked me why I wanted to torture myself by liking them. Why not just like another team? It reminded me of that scene in Office Space where someone asked Michael Bolton why he doesn't just change his name if he's tired of people mistaking him for the awful singer. He looked at the guy and said "Because I'm not the one who sucks." I liked this team before they drafted Jason Allen, before they chose Cam Cameron as their coach, before they acquired Joey Porter. If someone needs to change it's them. Here's one way they can improve.

Replace the Secondary with the Cheerleaders

Braylon Edwards, about to run into an 87-pound brick wall
If we are going to put players out on the field who do not know where to be, who are unable to make tackles, we should just use the cheerleaders. They are already on the field anyway. They have watched the games, so they probably have a basic knowledge of the Dolphins' playbook, which should, in itself, at least move them in front of Jason Allen on the depth chart. They are athletic and flexible. They don't get paid a ton, which would help with the salary cap and they are considerably easier in the eyes than our current secondary (That opinion may vary by gender). Plus, they seem to be optimistic and which is one thing this team and organization seems to be fresh out of. In 2005, it was after the Dolphins lost to the Browns that coach Saban gave a fiery speech that asked what kind of team they wanted to be, leading the team to win the last 6 games straight. I don't see that in this locker room today. Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas don't even look angry anymore. They look sad. They look like 2 guys who have given their lives to an organization that could never get its act together. Maybe having some players with a track record of cheering people up would help turn some of those frowns upside down. I want this team to be at least as optimistic as I am. In 2004, the team was 4-12, but one of those wins was against the seemingly unstoppable New England Patriots. I want there to be one guy in that locker room that believes that is possible this year.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Cam Cameron Needs to be Scarier

Left: Old Cam

The Dolphins are awful right now and it starts with the coaching. Since the day Cam Cameron came on as the head coach of the Dolphins, everyone has bent over backward to give him the benefit of the doubt. Any time a new coach takes over in the NFL, no matter how unconventional, fans try to stay optimistic, thinking maybe he knows something they don’t. If a new coach shows up to a press conference dressed as a wizard to announce he is using the #1 draft pick on a long snapper because he likes the guy’s family, fans will try to praise his unorthodox decision making, hoping it’s part of a grand, master plan they cannot possibly comprehend. During the preseason he talked about how he wanted the team to “Fail Forward Fast”. Cam wanted the team to try things and not be afraid to fail. If anything, their failure would teach them, which would help. Using this thought process during the preseason, he openly hoped his QBs would throw interceptions and the team would lose so they could learn to cope with it and overcome it. 

Well now the season has started and the Dolphins have Fully Failed Frequently. The good news is they now know how much it sucks to be 0-5, so hopefully next year they will want to avoid it. While Cam Cameron’s ideas for leadership are perfectly suited for a Co-Ed Softball team or teaching a child to ride a bike, they have no place in the NFL. If Cam wants to win in this league consistently, he needs to be scary. The fact is, in the NFL; mean coaches typically do better than nice ones. What about Tony Dungy? Tony Dungy has Peyton Manning, we have Cleo Lemon. Look at successful coaches over the last few years; Bill Belichick, Bill Cowher, Bill Parcells. You need to make your players fear you. That starts with your name. No one named Cam has ever been feared or respected in the history of time. If you want to win in the NFL, you need to a name like Bill or Mike. Look down a list of Superbowl coaches you’ll see Bills, Mikes, Joes, Toms and a long time ago, a Don, but almost no wacky names (Weeb Ewbank, 1969 Jets. God, I hate the Jets). In college football you can be a Bear or a Bo or a Woody, but this is the pros. His real name is Malcolm, that’s a start. 

New Malcolm

Ok Malcolm, how are you going to make your players fear you now that you’ve spent the whole season, coloring with them and talking about their feelings? You can’t just wake up one morning and be able to make a defensive lineman cry at practice. You need to play scary coach catch-up. You say you learned from Bobby Knight at Indiana, and that’s a good foundation to build from. But this is an emergency, so you can’t just throw a few chairs and hope to solve it. Every week you need to buy a kitten and give it to the team. Let them name it and play with it during warm ups all week long. If they win the game that week, their kitty gets a new collar and a treat, but if they lose, put the kitten into a blender in front of the whole team; then name the player whose lack of ability most contributed to the loss and make them press the button (Kind of like the opposite of giving a game ball). Given the way this team has been playing, we are probably going to need a lot of kittens. At this point you are probably thinking this is a sick idea, but I LOVE kittens. I, more than anyone, hope no kittens are ever forcibly pushed into blenders. But for that to happen, the secondary is going to have to do better in coverage, the defensive is going to have to stop the run and Joey Porter is going to have to make at least ONE sack. It’s a desperate measure, but these are desperate times. PETA is going to be furious, but if they can take that anger and focus it on encouraging Ted Ginn to properly receive a hand-off so our QB doesn’t have to play cranial pinball off a defensive lineman’s knee, then it will all be worth it.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Bring Back Marino

Yesterday the Dolphins were not just beaten but humiliated by Culpepper and the Raiders at home despite Joey Porter guaranteeing a win. The loss served notice to the rest of the terrible teams in the league that the road to the number 1 draft pick next year runs through Miami. The fact that Joey Porter's guarantee to beat one of the worst teams in the league even made headlines showed how far the Dolphins have fallen and the fact that the team could not deliver proved there is still more disappointment to come. Also, Marino's touchdown record was broken by Favre, the Bills got their first win and your dog just died. This week I have two tips for the Dolphins.

1. Replace Trent Green with Dan Marino

The Dolphins are not losing because of Trent Green, but they are not winning because of him either. The season is lost and there is no use in throwing John Beck to the wolves just yet. The present is awful and the future must be protected. With that being said, we must try to save the only thing we have left; the past. Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl and those records are all he has left. If all Trent Green is going to do is mentor Beck while throwing 2 interceptions a game, Marino can do that, plus try to get some of his records back in the process. I know what some of you are thinking. "Dan Marino can't catch up to Favre." Given Favre's recent hot streak that's probably true, but what if something bad were to happen to him? Favre has never missed a start even through Katrina destroying his house, his wife's illness and his Father's passing, so clearly we can't rely on God to stop him. We should instead count on Joey Porter. 

2. Send Joey Porter to Kill Brett Favre 
The Dolphins have guaranteed Porter $20 million dollars and unlike his guarantees, theirs are legally binding. Joey Porter is only averaging 3 tackles per game with no sacks. When you compare that to this offseason, when he and three friends cowardly attacked a Bengals lineman in Vegas, it's pretty clear where he is most effective. On the field where there are people to block him, he is useless, but off the field, where other players are trying to relax and unwind, when Porter is allowed to bring a crew of friends, he has real superstar potential. We didn't pay Porter to make empty promises, we paid him to hurt opposing quarterbacks, and since he can't do that on the field anymore, he needs to man up and take some responsibility, starting with the murder of Brett Favre.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Demote Jason Allen to Janitor

Nick Saban drafted Jason Allen in the first round last year thinking he had found a double threat (cornerback-safety), but since joining the Dolphins, Allen has proven himself to be more threatening to his own team, whether it's blowing his assignments or getting dumb penalties like the one he got against the Jets yesterday. The team originally saw Allen as a safety, but after missing all of camp in a contract dispute, he proved unable to learn the Dolphin playbook and failed to gain a starting spot. After a full year of failing to grasp the position of safety, the team finally moved him to the easier position of cornerback, but this too proved too difficult for him to understand. How bad is he? Even when the Dolphins use seven defensive backs, Allen is still on the bench. This on a team not exactly overflowing with talent; a team where Travis Daniels, who made Randle-El look like Randy Moss, who got stiff-armed not once, but twice ON THE SAME PLAY by Thomas Jones yesterday is a starter. They had demoted Allen all the way to special teams thinking he couldn't possibly hurt them there, but he proved them wrong once again when he erased a 27 yard return by Ted Ginn Jr. with a dumb holding penalty.

Despite repeated attempts by his teammates to convince him how cool he would be if he started a dog-fighting ring, it looks like Allen is here to stay. Since the Dolphins have 9 million dollars in money promised to him, it's unlikely they will cut him, but because he has proven that every time he laces up his cleats he is a danger to the team, Jason Allen should be demoted to janitor. Obviously it will take him a few months to learn the position and he will never be trusted with any dangerous chemicals, but at least the Dolphins are getting something in exchange for their 9 Million dollars and wasted draft pick, even if it's just a sparkly clean floor. He'll probably forget which part of locker room floor he has been assigned to mop and get flagged for forgetting to use the "Wet Floor" sign, but at least the team is limiting the damage he can inflict. If he is able to master the job and move up the janitorial depth chart, he can be groomed for other more complicated positions like towel boy or team security officer, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.