Ten Ways to Get More Fans to Come to Dolphin Games

Last week, The Miami Herald ran a story that the Dolphins are trying to invite a few celebrities to games, offering air-fare, luxury hotel accommodations and some spending money. Thus far, only Terrance Howard has accepted. Mathew McConaughey declined the invitation when they were unable to get him a private jet flight to Florida, and P. Diddy said he would do it and then didn’t show. During the week, PTI made fun of this a lot with Tony Kornheiser saying “This is pathetic, the very definition of being a loser; having to pay people to come to your games.” This story is pretty embarrassing. Why the Dolphins want to draw national attention to a team playing the way our team has been playing is beyond me. Do they really think Dolphin fans are going to say “Who cares if the team is bad and the coach is not even working toward the future, we might get to be in the same stadium as William Shatner!” Obviously the money and time they are using (unsuccessfully) to try to bribe celebs into watching these crappy games should be spent on making the team better so these games are actually worth watching, but that message is obviously lost on Huizenga. This is the same guy who forfeited a home game so the team could Eurotrip, the same guy who spent millions on the world’s largest HD screen so Dolfans can watch their team lose in crystal clear 720p High-Def. If we are not going to make the team better, bribing celebrities to come to our games is not the best way to get fans in. Here are my ideas:

Ten Ways to Get More Fans to Come to Dolphin Games 

1. Project other games on the big HD screen- Why waste that huge 137’ x 50’ HD screen on a game that has already been lost. When they played the Patriots and were down 42-7 at the half, they should have shown another, more competitive came on the screen in the second half so people would not have left.

2. Free Joey Porter valet service- It’s time he starts earning that $20 Million

3. Free dates with Cheerleaders to Season ticketholders- Let’s face it. These
Cheerleaders have not cheered well enough to let this team win. It’s not all their fault, but it’s time for them to do their part.

4. Lace all the food with LSD- Who cares how the team is doing when you can’t get the bats out of your hair?

5. Free Taser Giveaway Night- Combine this with the LSD food to produce the most interesting theme night ever, preferably when we play the Jets

6. Slot machines- These machines give fans a 1-in-100 chance of winning even when their team does not.

7. Ladies Night- “Are you crying because the Dolphins are losing, or are you just happy to see me?”

8. Free Wifi- Everyone likes Free WiFi, plus with the writers’ strike going on, there are a lot more people with laptops who have nothing to do on a Sunday.

9. Free beer every time the team gets a stupid penalty- If we can’t make our fans happy, we should at least make them drunk.

10. Pick Random Seat Numbers and let those people play Defensive Backs- Is an 8-year old girl really that much worse than Cameron Worrell?