Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Ryan Tannehill Needs Stilts

On Sunday I watched the Dolphins continue their Globetrotters-Generals rivalry with the Texans. We have never beat the Texans a single time, which would be embarrassing even if they had a ton of playoff wins, instead of just one ever.

The game actually had a promising start. We got up 3-0. Our defense was looking pretty solid. The running game with Reggie Bush seemed to be working. I even started to get "I told you they would be good" tweets from people. Then came the end of the second half. Interception. Interception. Fumble. Ballgame. The game was never close after that.

If you did not watch the game and only saw the stat line, Ryan Tannehill played a bit better than his 39 passer rating and 3 interceptions suggest. He made a lot of tough throws, but as I'm sure you have heard by now, he had a bit of an issue with balls being tipped at the line. For some reason, Tannehill, who is 6'4, had a hell of a time getting the ball over top the Texans D Line. They were able to get their hands on 6 passes at the line, 2 of which became interceptions. Watching the game, you would have thought Doug Flutie was out there trying to throw underhand over Shaquille O'Neal.

If it was just this game, you could write it off, but he had 4 tipped balls against Carolina in the preseason and 19 last season in college, so this is kind of an issue. The O-line needs to do a better job of engaging defenders and I'm sure Tannehill will get better at seeing throwing lanes better as he gets more experience, but this is an emergency and drastic times call for drastic measures.

Ryan Tannehill Needs Stilts 

Being 6'4 should be enough to allow you to throw the ball over a D line most of the time with no problems, but apparently that's not the case for Ryan Tannehill. If we want to see the ball consistently go more than 10 feet, he is gonna need a boost. Maybe at 7'4 he can finally clear the D line to give our receivers a chance to drop some more passes.

Oh yeah, drops are still a bit of an issue on our team. If only we had a beast of a receiver who could pull down 9 catches for 119 yards and a touchdown. It's too bad that guys like that are very rare to find, and our team sure as hell hasn't been finding anyone like that in the third round.

 With trading Brandon Marshall for next to nothing and Vontae Davis, this team has essentially thrown in the towel for this year, to try to build picks for next year. Even if Tannehill turns out to be a Hall of Famer, the GM who should be using those picks is sure as hell better not be named Jeff Ireland. But I don't want to leave on a downer so here's a nerdy Dolphins poster. Enjoy.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hard Knocks is finally here! Plus a podcast soon!

I have been counting the minutes until the premiere of HBO Hard Knocks: The Miami Dolphins. I love that show enough that I have watched every episode in every season, including the seasons with the Chiefs and Bengals and they're finally doing my team! Will Tannehill emerge as the greatest Dolphins rookie QB since Dan Marino (Not a ton of competion)? Will Chad Johnson return to his former greatness? Will I already be sick of Lauren Tannehill before the end of the first episode? So many questions!! I'm going to be live-tweeting the premiere tonight @SavingThePhins if you want to check that out.
Also I have a big announcement.

Saving The Dolphins Podcast Premieres this Thursday, 8/9!

In the first episode, I'll sit down with comedian Jeff Cerulli and discuss the first episode of Hard Knocks, The Dolphins' offseason and why he likes the worst team on the planet. I'm going to try to get it up on iTunes and the Android store as quick as possible, but it will definitely be on my site Thursday.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Joe Philbin Doesn't Yell

We are in the dog days of summer football. Last week was the first real training camp, which is always prime time for knee-jerk reactions.

Chad Ochocinco had a pretty good first camp, which means he's headed to a Pro Bowl!

Ryan Tannehill struggled to adjust to the speed of the NFL game which means he is a bust!

Reshad Jones and the defense dominated the offense so the defense will be good and the offense will be bad! Or they both will be good! Or they both will be bad!

I am glued to Omar Kelly's twitter feed every day of camp, but before pads come on, it's tough to really know anything at this point. With that in mind, I will state the only 2 things I have really taken away from camp so far.

 1. I Like Chad Ochocinco
I think my recent post about him being crazy may have made it seem like I don't like him, but I do. How do you not love a guy who proposed to his girlfriend and then went right back to playing Call of Duty? If we had to trade big draft picks for him or if we were paying him huge money, his nuttiness might be a concern, but for the veteran minimum, we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

2. Joe Philbin Doesn't Yell
I am not the first person to notice that Joe Philbin is not the yelling type, but he seems to have an almost supernatural calmness about things. To illustrate my point, below is a list of Google results. Keep in mind that Philbin's photo is the closest I could find to one of him yelling and he is probably just talking.
Obviously this isn't the most accurate way to gauge things, and I'm sure he has yelled at players before, but you get my point. When we had Cam Cameron, I wrote this post about how he needed to be scarier. Cam arrived as an offensive guru who was able to generate a huge offense in San Diego with players much better than ours, but he was also a pushover and ultimately players like Joey Porter walked all over him.

Obviously, yelling doesn't guarantee success. We just had a coach in Sparano who never stopped yelling. Eventually, the team went south and that yelling fell on deaf ears. But look at the coaches of the top 4 teams last year: The Brothers Harbaugh, Coughlin and Belichick. Which of those is the soft-spoken nice guy? There are a handful of nice-guy coaches who are successful like Tony Dungy or Dick Vermeil, but there are way more successful guys who either yell, or in the case of Mike Tomlin, give looks scary enough that they don't have to.

I hope Philbin is an offensive genius and this season is the beginning of a dynasty, but whether he succeeds or fails, people will say it's because of his demeanor. If he wins they'll say it's because of his ability to stay calm and if he fails they will say he wasn't tough enough on his players. Still, if he starts using phrases like "Fail Forward Fast", I'm gonna be nervous.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Get to Hate A Jet: Father's Day Edition

Happy Father's Day everyone. I hope you've all taken time today to hang out with your dad or at least called  to let him know that even though he's ill-tempered and emotionally absent, those mental scars have only made you into a more successful alcoholic. 

A little while ago I started a Get to Hate a Jet with my post on Tim Tebow, because I got tired of hating the Jets as a group and wanted to start hating them individually. So because it's Father's Day I've chosen a guy who is absolutely buried in Father's Day cards and macaroni art today.

Father's Day Edition:
Antonio Cromartie

Cromartie currently has 10 kids by 8 different women and he is expecting twins in November his wife bringing the total to 12. To put that in perspective, if his kids start a football team, one of them would still have to sit on the bench. In the future, no one will be able to complete passes because his army of kids will be intercepting them all. How does he remember all those kids' names? Very slowly. This is him trying to name them in 2010 when he (only) had 8 kids. (I posted this video on a Hard Knocks post a couple weeks ago but it just feels especially appropriate for today).

In his defense, that is a lot of kids and baby mamas to remember. Thankfully the New York Post made a chart to help him/us keep track.

These women have told a ton of stories to the Post that paint him as a less than ideal father. His ex-fiancee Rhonda Patterson, who he dumped a week before their $200,000 wedding and kicked out of their San Diego house while she was 6 months pregnant has said he only spent "a few hours" with their child since birth. While the Post isn't known for journalistic integrity and it's possible some of these women could be making some things up, it seems unlikely that that he is being a great dad to all 12 of these kids.

This movie was not meant to be a How-To
Thankfully, he has settled down with his wife, Terricka Cason. Well, kind of. Last month, cops broke down 2 doors at their house responding to a 911 call Cromartie placed after she texted him:
 “God forgive me, I don’t want to die. What have I done?” and “I cut my wrists. I took those pills.”
Police found no blood. It turned out she was just faking it to get his attention because she suspected him of cheating (Where would she get that idea?). When they brought her in for a psych evaluation she was surprised and said she was "exercising her First Amendment rights" which shows both her batshit craziness and her total lack of understanding of the Bill of Rights. Who knows? Maybe this is what it takes to stop him from cheating. More likely, he probably got a couple phone numbers at the psych ward because he's just that classy. Just one more reason to hate the Jets.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Brandon Marshall vs. Chad Ochocinco: A Crazy-Off

As you all know, last week the Dolphins signed Chad Ochocinco. We signed him to a pretty cheap contract and at the very least, the "Will he make the team?" storyline should make Hard Knocks slightly more exciting. Nothing makes for good reality TV like good old-fashioned crazy.

Now when I say crazy, I mean that in a different way than Brandon Marshall was crazy. They are both a bit nuts, but to paraphrase Super Troopers, Chad Ochocinco's shenanigans are cheeky and fun while Brandon Marshall's shenanigan's were cruel and tragic. There is no comparing their football skills because they are at much different phases of their careers, but you can definitely compare their craziness. I made this chart to try to show the similarities and differences between their mental illnesses.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Some Tips to Help the Miami Dolphins Look Good on Hard Knocks

Today, Coach Philbin announced our Miami Dolphins are gonna be on HBO's Hard Knocks! As a Dolphins fan, it's like finding out your child got cast as the lead in the school play but then remembering they have Tourette's; you feel excited but also a little nervous.

I like Hard Knocks so much I have watched seasons with the Chiefs and Bengals, teams I could care less about, so the fact that the Dolphins are finally on it is really exciting. But then you remember we are still run by Jeff Ireland and to say our team hasn't always been the most well-run is a bit of an understatement. We got this show because everyone else declined, but we want to try to make the best of it and look good.

With everything the Dolphins have to work on this offseason with a new coach who brings a whole new offense and defense, preparing for Hard Knocks should be the last thing on their minds. There are a few little things they can do that will help show them in their best light. When you want to improve as a team on the field, it's often helpful to watch film on an opponent. Off the field is no different. Here are 3 things the Dolphins can learn from when the New York Jets were on Hard Knocks to help them put their best foot forward.

Things We Can Learn From the Jets on Hard Knocks

1. Memorize all your kids names
Yes, I said all of them! Antonio Cromartie taught us how bad it makes you look when you struggle to remember all of your kids' names. I know it's a chore to try to remember every single one but it makes you look like I real dick if you have a hard time with it. Go home, write down your kids names and slide that sheet into your playbook. Also, you don't have to memorize all of their moms' names, but it would be nice.

2. No ShakeWeights
This should go without saying, but please don't do this. There are less homoerotic ways to get in shape. At least I hope there are.

3. Be Better Than Mark Sanchez
This is kind of a broad category, but if you watched the Jets  Hard Knocks season, you know what I mean. If you didn't hate Mark Sanchez before, you certainly did after. Sanchez did everything he could from lame pranks to bad jokes to generally being a whiny pussy constantly. For example:

Coach: Do you know what you need do better?

Mark Sanchez: Stop sucking (Sad puppydog frown)

Obviously we want our QB's to be better than Sanchez on the field but we need to at least be better than him off of it. Please Dolphins, if you've never been funny before, don't let this show be your first time.

The news that the team is going to finally be on Hard Knocks also brings sadness because there are a lot of Dolphins I would have loved to see on the show. Here is a short list of recent ones.

3 Recent Dolphins I Wish I Could Have Seen on Hard Knocks

1. Brandon Marshall
Two third round picks comes nowhere near compensating us for how much fun he would have been on this show. You think the Real Housewives are crazy? He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. From angrily punting a football to yelling at someone for no reason, he was a true wildcard. Hell, last offseason he got stabbed by his wife! That brand of crazy doesn't just grow on trees.

2. Ricky Williams
When Ricky showed up (which was not guaranteed), he was always a great interview. Even when he says stuff I totally disagree with, like a couple weeks ago when he told Le Batard that football doesn't cause concussions, he never gives the cliche "We gave 110%. Both teams played hard." bullshit. I would have enjoyed seeing the HBO crew follow him around.

3. Channing Crowder
There has not been a Dolphin in a long time who loved the camera and microphone the way he did. You could count on him saying some dumb things, like before the Giants game in London when he said he couldn't find London on the map, but he was never boring.

So that's all I got for now. I'm looking forward to a great season of Hard Knocks and hopefully a great season of football while crossing my fingers that neither embarrasses us.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Things Are Looking Up

For the past week, I've been in Ireland reconnecting with my rich alcoholic heritage. With my phone not working here, I've been getting news in tiny chunks. With the huge exception of the heartbreaking news about Junior Seau,  I've been surprised by the good news coming out about the Miami Dolphins

Ryan Tannehill is Looking Good
I didn't write a post-draft analysis because there are already a ton written by people with much more football experience, but I liked our draft. You can't really know for sure about a draft until years later, but it seemed like we were picking the best guys available rather than by need. Tannehill was a pick I really liked and apparently, he impressed at his first rookie camp. It doesn't mean much, but still it's better than hearing he did terrible.

Here are the top 3 reasons I like the Ryan Tannehill pick.

1. It gives us hope
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Post-Marino, we have repeatedly tried to get QB by either drafting a 2nd round QB (Beck, Henne, White) or trading 2nd round picks for them (Feely, Culpepper). While we did that, we watched Aaron Rogers and Matt Ryan slide right by. Sooner or later you have to roll the dice and I'm glad we finally did.

2. Mike Sherman believes in him
As I mentioned in my pre-draft post, our Offensive Coordinator was his college coach and he knows Tannehill better than anyone. If he's seen the good and the bad from Tannehill and wants to pick him 8th, I'm on board too. It also helps that the offense is similar enough that Tannehill said he already knows 80% of playbook.

3.Hot Wife
Hats this dumb are worn exclusively by hot chicks and/or the mentally ill
This has already been covered to death, but just in case you hadn't heard, Mrs. Tannehill is attractive. There is that scene in Moneyball where a scout says that an ugly girlfriend means no confidence and it would be great to think him having a hot wife somehow means something good about him, but it probably doesn't. What it does mean is that when they inevitably show her reaction shots from the crowd, it will be easier on the eyes. Generally I'm more into brunettes with curves, but with the 8th pick, you take what falls to you.

The good news doesn't stop there though...

We Finally Paid Cameron Wake!
I already wrote about this in this post. I like that we paid him and I also like that we didn't overpay. The deal we signed has been widely viewed as a smart one and I applaud the Dolphins for making these smart move.

I guess now we just patiently wait for the ransom not to arrive, because clearly Jeff Ireland has been kidnapped.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Draftacular 2012

For Dolphins fans, Draft day is like Christmas for the children of a deadbeat alcoholic. For bad football teams, the draft is a time for optimism. Hope for the best but prepare for disappointment. The draft process is kind of like relationships.

Dating: The Pre-Draft
We go out and try to find people we feel like we can commit to. We spend time with them and find out what their strengths are. We talk to them and try to gauge what kind of people they are. Most of them aren't perfect, they almost always come with baggage (injuries, criminal records, too many kids) . Often times we find people we like because they are good but if they could just change one or two things, they could be perfect.

Marriage: The Draft
We take the information we've been given and we commit. People act happy even while some murmur "What are they doing?" but it's our decision to make and we make it.

Honeymoon: Post Draft Bliss
After we choose our people we spend the time from then through the preseason trying to convince ourselves we made the right decision. As fans we comb through every training camp report looking for a sign that we've signed some future Hall of Famers.

Acceptance: Acceptance
Eventually, we finally have to accept what the people actually are. You see which flaws they can grow out of and which ones are just hardwired in who they are. Since Jimmy Johnson, the Dolphins have become known for our terrible judgement. We keep going from bad marriage to bad marriage with black eyes constantly claiming our guys "can change". As you can see on the chart below, in the Ireland administration, a lot of our marriages have ended in divorce.

Jeff Ireland's Drafts 2008-2011

Our most recent divorce with Phillip Merling (32nd overall pick) was just finalized last week. Some of the players on the chart may become starters by the time the season starts but the overall picture is clear. Two Pro Bowlers in 4 drafts. One was the first overall pick and the other is a kicker. Even among the starters there are just a few who seem likely to develop into stars. With all of these poor choices, Dolphins fans have become skeptical, which brings us to today. READ ON

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Dolphins Need to Stop Asking Us to Have Faith

Clyde Gates and Vontae Davis getting some off-season modelling work.
I don't normally write posts on Sundays, but this one felt appropriate. If you haven't already heard, Clyde Gates has recently moved into the t-shirt business. He has a line of shirts with BIM in big letters which stands for "Believe In Miami" or "Believe In Me". 

These shirts come 2 weeks after our new coach spoke to fans on a conference call and said,

“Sometimes you have to have faith. There’s a little bit of the chicken and the egg here, but I’m asking you for your faith and your confidence in me that I’m going to be able to deliver the results that will make everybody in Miami proud of what this football team does on the field and off the field."
Philbin preaches from the gospel of George Michael.

The word "faith" is a perfect word to use because faith is defined as a belief not based in proof. By that definition, all Dolphins fans already have faith. You can't be a Dolphin fan without it because all the proof the Dolphins have given us leaves faith as our only path to optimism. In fact, as a cynical atheist, my belief that the Dolphins could win the Super Bowl this season is the closest thing to real faith I've got.

As followers of the Dolphins, we have all read from the Book of Shula of a team that miraculously played an entire season of football without losing a game. We've heard stories of an Isotoner Gloved savior who broke all the NFL passing records but was tragically denied a Super Bowl. These stories are great, but it feels like they happened 2000 years ago. Our faith has been tested a lot since then. We've been wondering through the NFL desert for years now. Despite making the playoffs once in the last 10 seasons and finishing 6 of the last 8 seasons under .500, every Sunday (during the season) we still come out to show our faith.

To most people, that sounds like Scientology-level crazy.We have had faith in the last 7 coaches we've had in the 16 seasons since Shula. We've had faith in the 16 starting Quarterbacks in the past 12 seasons since Marino retired. Just this offseason, we had faith they'd get Manning. We had faith that they wouldn't trade away a Pro Bowl receiver for some 3rd round picks. We are holding onto faith but it's getting hard.

With all this proof stacked up against the Dolphins, the only place they can go is to preach faith. They can suggest this offseason seems like a disaster but maybe it's just part of a larger master plan that we mortals can't possibly understand. Maybe our next Pro Bowl QB is waiting for us in the draft. Maybe this time really is going to be different. We believe it because we have no choice.

That is why I hate Philbin asking us to have faith and Clyde Gates making those "Believe In Miami" shirts. I do believe in Miami. I have believed in Miami when I had no logical reason to do it. I've done my part just like all the Dolphins fans who have stuck with them through these hard times have. That's why those BIM shirts are bullshit. I've taken some time to draw up some better shirts for Clyde Gates and the other Dolphins players to wear.

If anyone reading this plays for the Dolphins and wants one of these shirts, let me know. It's the least I can do.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Cameron Wake Needs to Get Paid

Cameron Wake goes after quarterbacks like he watched them murder his parents as a child and he's spent his whole life plotting revenge. He is easily my favorite Dolphin. Even in 2009, when he was only used for special blitz situations, when he is on the screen, your eyes are drawn to him. He brings an intensity that is palpable. Unfortunately, that intensity is now being aimed at the Dolphins due to the fact that he is currently getting paid 1/4 the salary of our kicker.

On one level, you have to give it to Jeff Ireland. As much as I hate him for all the dumb moves he's made, getting Wake was genius. Wake was scouted from the CFL, given the largest NFL contract ever given to a player out of the CFL (The previous high was 3 beaver pelts and NHL season tickets) and we got a Pro Bowler for chump change.

The bad news is that Cameron Wake doesn't like you calling him a chump. He does not like it one bit. So Cameron Wake is now holding out until a contract extension is reached. I almost always despise player holdouts but with Wake being 30 and currently being paid less than his backup, it's time to pay him. I know we have limited cap space and we still need to sign the rookies we draft, but there is more than one reason we need to pay Cameron Wake.

An unhappy Cameron Wake puts us all in danger
Cameron Wake clearly deserves a higher salary based on his play, but another prime reason to pay him is public safety. Wake has built a reputation for being a model citizen off the field and a tireless workaholic on it. He is known for being a gym-rat, often the first guy to get there and the last guy to leave. But you take away that gym and those workouts and you then have a very strong, very angry gentleman walking around South Florida. He's nice, but so is Bruce Banner before people piss him off. When he files his taxes, how long is he going to stand in line at the post office before the line of people start to look like an offensive line and the teller starts to look like Tom Brady? He seems really nice, but why test him?

Hopefully we get this deal done soon. In the mean time, the holdout frees him up to do other jobs on the side. I have some suggestions.

Ways for Cameron Wake to Make Money During His Holdout

1.Do Commercials
Although he is well known by other players and coaches, he is virtually unknown to a lot of fans outside Miami and there is no excuse for it. Unlike past Dolphins who aspired to a career in acting, the only role he seems interesting in auditioning for is lead murderer in his opponent's nightmares. He should have more of the fame and endorsements that come from playing at a high level and that starts with becoming a pitchman. I've drawn up a couple quick ideas for products that might suit him.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Improved Dolphins Uniforms

Yesterday, Nike came out with their new NFL uniforms. They are pretty much the same except, now when players throw up a dynasty sign, it forms their logos, which is fun for everyone except Diamond Dallas Page.
It's going to take a while to dish out all those Diamond Cutters
The new uniforms are ok, but they are not going to be enough to help the Dolphins get to the Super Bowl so I have taken the liberty of redesigning them with a few small touches that I think will give the Dolphins the edge they need. (You may have to click the image to enlarge it)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Get to Hate a Jet: Tim Tebow

Over the past few weeks, I have seen a couple Dolphin fans on Twitter and message boards saying they want to remain Dolphin fans but if the Dolphins don’t improve, they will become Jets fans. Let us not forget there is a third option in this scenario. You could kill yourself. Seriously. Think it over. If you have been a lifelong Dolphins fan and the idea of taking of trading in your orange and teal for New Jersey green sounds appealing, please first take a nice long chug off of one of the bottles under your sink. I would cheer for cancer before I would cheer for the Jets.

I have discussed my hatred of the Jets before in this passage from 9/8/2008 
I hate the Jets probably more than a sane adult should hate a group of athletes he’s never met. The Jets first win over the Fins last year inspired me to start this site. I don’t just hate the Jets, I hate everything they represent. Every time you are on I-95 and some greasy haired dildo in a Camaro with a New Jersey license plate cuts you off, that guy LOVES the Jets. Every time it gets 43 degrees outside in Miami; that douche walking around in a tank top, saying “Youz guys think this is cold? Growin up in Hackensack, I used to freeze my friggin bawlz oowff.” That guy LOVES the Jets. Full disclosure, I live in New York City now and this is not hate against all northerners. It’s specifically against Jets fans. Every time the Jets win a football game, humanity loses and a depressed white trashy girl from New Brunswick has to reluctantly show her tits.

But why hate them as a group when you can hate them individually? That’s why I am starting a new feature on the site called Get to Hate a Jet.

From time to time I will write up reasons why you should hate one person from the Jets, past or present. From coaches and players to towelboys, I’ll probably eventually cover their whole organization down to their finance department.

I should add that I reserve the right to reverse these opinions the moment any of these people become Dolphins.

Example: Jets Chad Pennington = Noodle-Armed Sissy

Dolphins Chad Pennington= Laser Accurate Leader

This week we will start with the newest Jet that everyone seems so excited about...

Tim Tebow
Tebow is happy with his new team because he loves Jets. Here is him pointing at one.
When I found out the team I hate the most was signing the quarterback I hate the most, it was kind of convenient. Now I'm just waiting for them to sign Skeletor and my building's super. Why hate Tim Tebow?

1. He is too much of a good guy
I know some of you out there are saying "How can we hate Tim Tebow? He loves Jesus and spends his offseason rescuing orphans from demons!" With Wrestlemania happening this past weekend, I'll put it in wrestling terms. In wrestling, bad guys are called heels and good guys are called faces. Because wrestling isn't known for subtlety, heels are often pretty obvious, but sometimes you have a guy who is so much of a face, the fans turn against him. John Cena is a good recent example, but for me growing up it was Kurt Angle.
Kurt Angle was an actual gold medalist in the 1996 Olympics. He came into the WWF (Yes, it was the WWF and I will still call it that. Suck it, pandas) as an American hero, waving the flag. He was such an annoyingly over-the-top good guy that crowds eventually started chanting "You suck!You suck!" and chose instead to cheer for charming anti-heros like The Rock. Kurt Angle was a great heel but it illustrates my point. There is a point where someone can be so good that it makes you hate them. You can have too much of a good thing.

In a league filled with criminals and wife beaters it's nice to have one guy who, out of the purity of his heart, chooses to get laid less than I do. At a certain point, it gets to be too much though. It seems too good to be true. It makes you think he's hiding a dark secret.

2. He is enormously overrated
Speaking of players who have hidden dark secrets, people said Michael Vick was overrated when he was with the Falcons because, despite the flashiness, he was not that good at quarterback. They said despite his big plays, he was no good in the pocket. Vick's defenders said that his low QB rating did not factor in his extensive running talents and his ability to extend the play to win games. Well, change the skin tone, subtract half the talent and add a moral compass and you have Tim Tebow.

Let's compare their second seasons in the NFL. Let's look at 2002 Vick to 2011 Tebow.


Vick 2002 15 231 54.9 2,936 16 8 4 81.6
Tebow 2011 14 126 46.5 1,729 12 6 7 72.9
Vick 2002 113 777 6.9 46 8 44 5 4
Tebow 2011 122 660 5.4 32 6 35 6 2

Forget about Tim Tebow being no Peyton Manning. Tim Tebow is no Michael Vick. In fact Vick was better in every conceivable way.

I know some people are saying, "Yeah but he won games." Last year he led the 25th best scoring offense in the NFL(Miami was 20th. Where are all the Matt Moore jerseys?). He won games thanks in large part to an incredible defense that kept games close enough for those 4th quarter comebacks. Then again if anyone would buy that "The only stat that matters is wins" crap, it would be the Jets. Their greatest quarterback has a lifetime 65.5 QB rating and a 173/220 TD/INT ratio.

3. The Religion Thing

If this rubs some of you the wrong way, so be it. The constant Tebowing and pointing to the sky after games gets on my nerves. I know there are some people who believe you should be constantly screaming your religion from the mountaintops, but for the people whose breakfast you are interrupting with your pamphlets of "good news", it's annoying.

For one thing, overtly praying and pointing to the sky constantly after you win a game is a cruel form of taunting, even if it isn't meant that way. For the team that just lost, it feels like you're saying "We didn't win this game. God won this game for us. Our victory was His will." It is like humblebragging at it's most extreme. The other team gets to think "Hey. It's not just that we didn't play hard enough, it's also that God hates us." Please do not waste time writing me with "That's not what it means. It actually means...". I don't care. I'm not demanding you keep your religion a secret, but if you drop down into a prayer stance after you beat me at Jenga, I'm going to think you are a dick.

Side note. For any Dolphin "fans" who went to University of Florida who still cheer for him because he went there too, he's not in college anymore and neither are you. Now that he's a Jet and you have a choice to make.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Who have the Dolphins Beaten? (Mostly their wives and girlfriends)

Koa Misi got arrested on charges of battery with serious injury and from the look in his eyes, he's very sorry about it. It hasn't yet been reported who the victim was so at this point we don't know. What we do know is this is the 12th violent arrest on the team in the last 10 years. This does not count arrests for DUI, drugs or players who were arrested when they weren't on our team (Brandon Marshall), just violent arrests by active players. Who have they attacked? Lets look at their stats.

Assault/Battery Arrests Since 2002
Their Pregnant Wife/Girlfriend 2
Their Nonpregnant Wife/Girlfriend 3
Police Officer 2
Random Person at Bar or Restaurant 3
Airport Gate Attendant 1
Not Sure Yet (Koa Misi) 1

Or to make it a bit more clear, how about a pie chart.

That's 12 violent arrests in 10 years and 1 playoff appearance in that span. No success on a football field could ever make up for violence off of it,  but it would be nice if our team could be something more than a work-release program.

3/31/11 Update:
Ok. So it turns out a 19 year old taunted him from a balcony. Later when that guy was sleeping, Misi punched through the door (Punching through doors? Who is he? The Hulk?) and beat the shit out of him. It's a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever taunted someone from a balcony. If you're going to taunt, taunt safe guys. There are a lot of angry NFL players out there.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bill Parcells is a Prostitute

Bill Parcells is a prostitute. It's no secret. Everyone in the NFL knows he will go anywhere and work with any team for the right price. He has now gone through 4 teams since he left the Giants, never staying more than 3 years with each team. We knew all this, but we were desperate so we hired him and for a while, he was our prostitute.

Like all prostitutes, he came to us with his ground rules. He would not coach, he would not work as a GM and I did not see his contract, but there was probably no kissing on the mouth. We were so desperate he even got a clause that if ownership changed, he could leave anytime he wanted. He knew we were desperate so he didn't come cheap. He signed a 4 year deal for a ton of money to turn the Dolphins around.

The beginning was great. He helped turn a 1-15 disaster into a 10-6 playoff team the first year. We were so happy we didn't want it to end. But then ownership changed and he saw a way out. He took the money the Dolphins left on the dresser for him and split, leaving the Dolphins with the blue balls of a half-built team. They say you don't pay prostitutes to come over, you pay them to leave but it would have been nice if he could have at least finished the job first.

If that was the end of it, it would be disappointing but understandable. We knew what we were getting into with him and we got it. Then in January of last year, Ian O'Connor reported that while Parcells was still drawing a paycheck from the Dolphins, he was instrumental in the Jets hire of Rex Ryan as a head coach. That's right. He was turning tricks on the side... with our arch-enemy... FOR FREE! Is Rex Ryan a better coach than Tony Sparano? Well, one of them is now working for the other.

Now, to rub even more salt in the wound, Parcells is considering coaching the Saints this season. All we can do is stand around with our blue balls feeling stupid that the prostitute who took our money, gave freebies to our rivals and left early is now considering doing all kinds of stuff for another team they had told us was off-limits. I hope he goes to the Saints and I hope he is an absolute disaster for them. I know it's a dick move to wish disasters on New Orleans after everything the city has been through, but that city was poorly built.  I believe it was renowned city planners Jefferson Starship who said if you want your city to thrive you don't build it on jazz. You build it on rock and roll.

Monday, March 26, 2012

"That's history. It's behind us."

A good way to gauge whether the Dolphins excuses for their terrible decisions are valid is to see if the tactics would work on my girlfriend. One of the most idiotic decisions the Dolphins have made recently was trading Pro Bowler Brandon Marshall to the Bears for two 3rd round picks. Now, Brandon Marshall was not a nice guy. He has always had a thing for the ladies, and by "thing" I mean backhand. Still, his talent will be sorely missed on a team lacking it.

The Dolphins have tried to spin it as a possible good thing, because who knows how good the picks might turn out to be? It reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter had to choose between a boat or a mystery box leading Peter to say "The mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat!" What we do know is our last four 3rd round picks: John Jerry, Patrick Turner, Kendall Langford and Lorenzo Booker do not equal one Brandon Marshall. Not even close. Only one of them, John Jerry, is even still on the team. Maybe Jeff Ireland will suddenly get lucky but it seems unlikely.

When the fans weren't buying the trade Stephen Ross started basically saying, "We were going to cut him so we were lucky to get 2 terrible picks." The logic seems to be "I did something dumb but I almost did something way more dumb." Is that valid? How would it work on my girlfriend:

My girlfriend: You traded my dog for lottery tickets?!?!?!?

Me: Yes I did. First off, these tickets might be able to buy hundreds of dogs. 
Secondly, I was going to give your dog away for nothing, so isn't this way better?

That logic would not work on my girlfriend just as it did not work on Dolphin fans.

Then, today in a press conference, Stephen Ross tried an even ballsier gambit. Asked about Brandon Marshall, he said “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us. It's a trade. He wasn't cut. We got fair value and we think the football team is better for it.” Wow. He restates the "We could have cut him" logic and that we got fair value which we clearly didn't, but ballsiest of all was “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us." which would be totally valid if it wasn't 2 weeks ago! Let's go back to that scene with my girlfriend...

My girlfriend: You traded him away without even asking me! You are a monster!

Me: You're still yammering on about that? Look. It happened, ok? Neither of us can change it now. It's in the past. We have to move on with our lives in the present and later the future.

My Girlfriend: I just found out 10 minutes ago and you haven't even apologized!

Me: It's history! There's no changing it! I don't have a time machine! Do you want to live your whole life in the past?!?!?

And scene.

It is history, but unfortunately history shows us that Jeff Ireland has made a ton of stupid moves that turned out to be exactly as stupid as they seemed (Pat White) and until we learn from our history (Fire Jeff Ireland) we are doomed to repeat it.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Last Call

This week, I've heard everyone from Peter King to The Onion all laughing at the pathetic Dolphins for failing time after time to sign the person they wanted. If the NFL is a bar, everyone in the bar has just seen us go up and try to hit on every pretty girl in the bar and get shot down by every single one before settling on some trainwrecks. Harbaugh, Jeff Fisher, Manning, Flynn, and Alex Smith all have all shot us down. Ireland has said that Flynn and Alex Smith were not hot enough to justify the Cristal champagne they were demanding, but they both would be way better than what we ended up signing. The bartender yelled "Last call!" and we settled for the only person who would go home with us. Of the QBs in their mid-30's who missed all of last season coming off neck surgery, we got the second best one. As things stand our future rests on David Garrard and a coach who has never been a head coach at any level, but at least we've still got our Pro Bowl wide receiver... Oh wait... Shit.

 In the coming weeks and months, I am going to use my extensive Madden skills and child-like Photoshop abilities to come up with ways to make the team better, but before you can change, you have to admit you have a problem. So how did we get here?

Last summer, with Sparano still under contract, Ireland and Ross flew out to Cali to sign Jim Harbaugh as their new coach. But, the funny thing about cheating on someone is the person you're cheating with knows what a dirtbag you are. Typically that doesn't make them feel any strong urge to commit to you which is exactly what happened. To make it worse, the whole national media found out so the Dolphins had to make it right with Sparano. There's no guilty flowers in the NFL, more like a Kobe-style $6 Million diamond ring of a contract extension (Kobe's was only $4 million).
After another dismal season of Sparano enthusiastically celebrating field goals, the Dolphins finished 6-10, which is a good record if you want your team to both miss the playoffs by a mile and also not have a chance at any top draft picks the next year. The record eliminated our chances at Luck or RGIII and it also spelled the end for Tony Sparano after 4 years which isn't bad compared to others.
Stephen Ross and Ireland began a search for a coach, but Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden decided to stay retired and Jeff Fisher decided to sign with the Rams after weeks of us pursuing him. We then settled on Joe Philbin, a Packers Offensive Coordinator who did not call plays. He is also just the second Dolphins head coach after Dave Wannstedt, aside from interim coaches, to have never been a head coach at any level before being hired for it. Yes, even Cam Cameron was a college head coach. I hope Joe Philbin is awesome and I later look dumb for commenting on his lack of HC experience, but he clearly was not their first choice.


That brings us to free agency. So far we have traded a psychotic but talented pro bowl receiver for peanuts and it was also reported that Stephen Ross told a fan that if we didn't trade Brandon Marshall for 2 crappy picks, we would have cut him. I guess it's comforting to know that the dumb move they made was not nearly as dumb as the move they almost made. We then cut a team captain (Yeremiah Bell) several weeks into free agency after most teams had signed other safeties (classy).Oh and we have also publicly pursued and been turned down by pretty much everyone who can throw a spiral.

Why does no one want to sign with us? For one thing, no one has ever accused Jeff Ireland of being charming. This is the same guy that asked a first round prospect if his mom was a prostitute at the combine. The same guy who stabbed his friend Tony Sparano in the back for Harbaugh without hesitation and who cut Bell without hesitation. In the last week, Channing Crowder and Joey Porter (Who knows everything about being a nice guy) have said he's a liar and and asshole. In fact, the only person who likes him seems to be Stephen Ross.

I have no idea what horrible information Jeff Ireland is blackmailing Stephen Ross with that allows him to keep his job, but I do know I wish had that kind of work situation. I'm sure we all wish we were allowed to be as crappy at our jobs as Jeff Ireland is and still keep them. If Jeff Ireland were as good at making coffee as he is at managing a football team, they would have asked for his green apron years ago. 

But for the time being, he is not going anywhere. So all we can do now is watch Youtube clips of Ryan Tannehill and pray that A. He will be a franchise quarterback and B. We will draft him. I want to believe it but after watching a whole night of our guys getting shot down by everyone in the bar, it becomes harder to think the next girl to walk in the bar is going to be a supermodel who will come right to us.