Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Get to Hate a Jet: Tim Tebow

Over the past few weeks, I have seen a couple Dolphin fans on Twitter and message boards saying they want to remain Dolphin fans but if the Dolphins don’t improve, they will become Jets fans. Let us not forget there is a third option in this scenario. You could kill yourself. Seriously. Think it over. If you have been a lifelong Dolphins fan and the idea of taking of trading in your orange and teal for New Jersey green sounds appealing, please first take a nice long chug off of one of the bottles under your sink. I would cheer for cancer before I would cheer for the Jets.

I have discussed my hatred of the Jets before in this passage from 9/8/2008 
I hate the Jets probably more than a sane adult should hate a group of athletes he’s never met. The Jets first win over the Fins last year inspired me to start this site. I don’t just hate the Jets, I hate everything they represent. Every time you are on I-95 and some greasy haired dildo in a Camaro with a New Jersey license plate cuts you off, that guy LOVES the Jets. Every time it gets 43 degrees outside in Miami; that douche walking around in a tank top, saying “Youz guys think this is cold? Growin up in Hackensack, I used to freeze my friggin bawlz oowff.” That guy LOVES the Jets. Full disclosure, I live in New York City now and this is not hate against all northerners. It’s specifically against Jets fans. Every time the Jets win a football game, humanity loses and a depressed white trashy girl from New Brunswick has to reluctantly show her tits.

But why hate them as a group when you can hate them individually? That’s why I am starting a new feature on the site called Get to Hate a Jet.

From time to time I will write up reasons why you should hate one person from the Jets, past or present. From coaches and players to towelboys, I’ll probably eventually cover their whole organization down to their finance department.

I should add that I reserve the right to reverse these opinions the moment any of these people become Dolphins.

Example: Jets Chad Pennington = Noodle-Armed Sissy

Dolphins Chad Pennington= Laser Accurate Leader

This week we will start with the newest Jet that everyone seems so excited about...

Tim Tebow
Tebow is happy with his new team because he loves Jets. Here is him pointing at one.
When I found out the team I hate the most was signing the quarterback I hate the most, it was kind of convenient. Now I'm just waiting for them to sign Skeletor and my building's super. Why hate Tim Tebow?

1. He is too much of a good guy
I know some of you out there are saying "How can we hate Tim Tebow? He loves Jesus and spends his offseason rescuing orphans from demons!" With Wrestlemania happening this past weekend, I'll put it in wrestling terms. In wrestling, bad guys are called heels and good guys are called faces. Because wrestling isn't known for subtlety, heels are often pretty obvious, but sometimes you have a guy who is so much of a face, the fans turn against him. John Cena is a good recent example, but for me growing up it was Kurt Angle.
Kurt Angle was an actual gold medalist in the 1996 Olympics. He came into the WWF (Yes, it was the WWF and I will still call it that. Suck it, pandas) as an American hero, waving the flag. He was such an annoyingly over-the-top good guy that crowds eventually started chanting "You suck!You suck!" and chose instead to cheer for charming anti-heros like The Rock. Kurt Angle was a great heel but it illustrates my point. There is a point where someone can be so good that it makes you hate them. You can have too much of a good thing.

In a league filled with criminals and wife beaters it's nice to have one guy who, out of the purity of his heart, chooses to get laid less than I do. At a certain point, it gets to be too much though. It seems too good to be true. It makes you think he's hiding a dark secret.

2. He is enormously overrated
Speaking of players who have hidden dark secrets, people said Michael Vick was overrated when he was with the Falcons because, despite the flashiness, he was not that good at quarterback. They said despite his big plays, he was no good in the pocket. Vick's defenders said that his low QB rating did not factor in his extensive running talents and his ability to extend the play to win games. Well, change the skin tone, subtract half the talent and add a moral compass and you have Tim Tebow.

Let's compare their second seasons in the NFL. Let's look at 2002 Vick to 2011 Tebow.


Vick 2002 15 231 54.9 2,936 16 8 4 81.6
Tebow 2011 14 126 46.5 1,729 12 6 7 72.9
Vick 2002 113 777 6.9 46 8 44 5 4
Tebow 2011 122 660 5.4 32 6 35 6 2

Forget about Tim Tebow being no Peyton Manning. Tim Tebow is no Michael Vick. In fact Vick was better in every conceivable way.

I know some people are saying, "Yeah but he won games." Last year he led the 25th best scoring offense in the NFL(Miami was 20th. Where are all the Matt Moore jerseys?). He won games thanks in large part to an incredible defense that kept games close enough for those 4th quarter comebacks. Then again if anyone would buy that "The only stat that matters is wins" crap, it would be the Jets. Their greatest quarterback has a lifetime 65.5 QB rating and a 173/220 TD/INT ratio.

3. The Religion Thing

If this rubs some of you the wrong way, so be it. The constant Tebowing and pointing to the sky after games gets on my nerves. I know there are some people who believe you should be constantly screaming your religion from the mountaintops, but for the people whose breakfast you are interrupting with your pamphlets of "good news", it's annoying.

For one thing, overtly praying and pointing to the sky constantly after you win a game is a cruel form of taunting, even if it isn't meant that way. For the team that just lost, it feels like you're saying "We didn't win this game. God won this game for us. Our victory was His will." It is like humblebragging at it's most extreme. The other team gets to think "Hey. It's not just that we didn't play hard enough, it's also that God hates us." Please do not waste time writing me with "That's not what it means. It actually means...". I don't care. I'm not demanding you keep your religion a secret, but if you drop down into a prayer stance after you beat me at Jenga, I'm going to think you are a dick.

Side note. For any Dolphin "fans" who went to University of Florida who still cheer for him because he went there too, he's not in college anymore and neither are you. Now that he's a Jet and you have a choice to make.

1 comment:

  1. I think you're lost and need to get on your knees.


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