Thursday, April 26, 2012

Draftacular 2012

For Dolphins fans, Draft day is like Christmas for the children of a deadbeat alcoholic. For bad football teams, the draft is a time for optimism. Hope for the best but prepare for disappointment. The draft process is kind of like relationships.

Dating: The Pre-Draft
We go out and try to find people we feel like we can commit to. We spend time with them and find out what their strengths are. We talk to them and try to gauge what kind of people they are. Most of them aren't perfect, they almost always come with baggage (injuries, criminal records, too many kids) . Often times we find people we like because they are good but if they could just change one or two things, they could be perfect.

Marriage: The Draft
We take the information we've been given and we commit. People act happy even while some murmur "What are they doing?" but it's our decision to make and we make it.

Honeymoon: Post Draft Bliss
After we choose our people we spend the time from then through the preseason trying to convince ourselves we made the right decision. As fans we comb through every training camp report looking for a sign that we've signed some future Hall of Famers.

Acceptance: Acceptance
Eventually, we finally have to accept what the people actually are. You see which flaws they can grow out of and which ones are just hardwired in who they are. Since Jimmy Johnson, the Dolphins have become known for our terrible judgement. We keep going from bad marriage to bad marriage with black eyes constantly claiming our guys "can change". As you can see on the chart below, in the Ireland administration, a lot of our marriages have ended in divorce.

Jeff Ireland's Drafts 2008-2011

Our most recent divorce with Phillip Merling (32nd overall pick) was just finalized last week. Some of the players on the chart may become starters by the time the season starts but the overall picture is clear. Two Pro Bowlers in 4 drafts. One was the first overall pick and the other is a kicker. Even among the starters there are just a few who seem likely to develop into stars. With all of these poor choices, Dolphins fans have become skeptical, which brings us to today. READ ON

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Dolphins Need to Stop Asking Us to Have Faith

Clyde Gates and Vontae Davis getting some off-season modelling work.
I don't normally write posts on Sundays, but this one felt appropriate. If you haven't already heard, Clyde Gates has recently moved into the t-shirt business. He has a line of shirts with BIM in big letters which stands for "Believe In Miami" or "Believe In Me". 

These shirts come 2 weeks after our new coach spoke to fans on a conference call and said,

“Sometimes you have to have faith. There’s a little bit of the chicken and the egg here, but I’m asking you for your faith and your confidence in me that I’m going to be able to deliver the results that will make everybody in Miami proud of what this football team does on the field and off the field."
Philbin preaches from the gospel of George Michael.

The word "faith" is a perfect word to use because faith is defined as a belief not based in proof. By that definition, all Dolphins fans already have faith. You can't be a Dolphin fan without it because all the proof the Dolphins have given us leaves faith as our only path to optimism. In fact, as a cynical atheist, my belief that the Dolphins could win the Super Bowl this season is the closest thing to real faith I've got.

As followers of the Dolphins, we have all read from the Book of Shula of a team that miraculously played an entire season of football without losing a game. We've heard stories of an Isotoner Gloved savior who broke all the NFL passing records but was tragically denied a Super Bowl. These stories are great, but it feels like they happened 2000 years ago. Our faith has been tested a lot since then. We've been wondering through the NFL desert for years now. Despite making the playoffs once in the last 10 seasons and finishing 6 of the last 8 seasons under .500, every Sunday (during the season) we still come out to show our faith.

To most people, that sounds like Scientology-level crazy.We have had faith in the last 7 coaches we've had in the 16 seasons since Shula. We've had faith in the 16 starting Quarterbacks in the past 12 seasons since Marino retired. Just this offseason, we had faith they'd get Manning. We had faith that they wouldn't trade away a Pro Bowl receiver for some 3rd round picks. We are holding onto faith but it's getting hard.

With all this proof stacked up against the Dolphins, the only place they can go is to preach faith. They can suggest this offseason seems like a disaster but maybe it's just part of a larger master plan that we mortals can't possibly understand. Maybe our next Pro Bowl QB is waiting for us in the draft. Maybe this time really is going to be different. We believe it because we have no choice.

That is why I hate Philbin asking us to have faith and Clyde Gates making those "Believe In Miami" shirts. I do believe in Miami. I have believed in Miami when I had no logical reason to do it. I've done my part just like all the Dolphins fans who have stuck with them through these hard times have. That's why those BIM shirts are bullshit. I've taken some time to draw up some better shirts for Clyde Gates and the other Dolphins players to wear.

If anyone reading this plays for the Dolphins and wants one of these shirts, let me know. It's the least I can do.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Cameron Wake Needs to Get Paid

Cameron Wake goes after quarterbacks like he watched them murder his parents as a child and he's spent his whole life plotting revenge. He is easily my favorite Dolphin. Even in 2009, when he was only used for special blitz situations, when he is on the screen, your eyes are drawn to him. He brings an intensity that is palpable. Unfortunately, that intensity is now being aimed at the Dolphins due to the fact that he is currently getting paid 1/4 the salary of our kicker.

On one level, you have to give it to Jeff Ireland. As much as I hate him for all the dumb moves he's made, getting Wake was genius. Wake was scouted from the CFL, given the largest NFL contract ever given to a player out of the CFL (The previous high was 3 beaver pelts and NHL season tickets) and we got a Pro Bowler for chump change.

The bad news is that Cameron Wake doesn't like you calling him a chump. He does not like it one bit. So Cameron Wake is now holding out until a contract extension is reached. I almost always despise player holdouts but with Wake being 30 and currently being paid less than his backup, it's time to pay him. I know we have limited cap space and we still need to sign the rookies we draft, but there is more than one reason we need to pay Cameron Wake.

An unhappy Cameron Wake puts us all in danger
Cameron Wake clearly deserves a higher salary based on his play, but another prime reason to pay him is public safety. Wake has built a reputation for being a model citizen off the field and a tireless workaholic on it. He is known for being a gym-rat, often the first guy to get there and the last guy to leave. But you take away that gym and those workouts and you then have a very strong, very angry gentleman walking around South Florida. He's nice, but so is Bruce Banner before people piss him off. When he files his taxes, how long is he going to stand in line at the post office before the line of people start to look like an offensive line and the teller starts to look like Tom Brady? He seems really nice, but why test him?

Hopefully we get this deal done soon. In the mean time, the holdout frees him up to do other jobs on the side. I have some suggestions.

Ways for Cameron Wake to Make Money During His Holdout

1.Do Commercials
Although he is well known by other players and coaches, he is virtually unknown to a lot of fans outside Miami and there is no excuse for it. Unlike past Dolphins who aspired to a career in acting, the only role he seems interesting in auditioning for is lead murderer in his opponent's nightmares. He should have more of the fame and endorsements that come from playing at a high level and that starts with becoming a pitchman. I've drawn up a couple quick ideas for products that might suit him.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Improved Dolphins Uniforms

Yesterday, Nike came out with their new NFL uniforms. They are pretty much the same except, now when players throw up a dynasty sign, it forms their logos, which is fun for everyone except Diamond Dallas Page.
It's going to take a while to dish out all those Diamond Cutters
The new uniforms are ok, but they are not going to be enough to help the Dolphins get to the Super Bowl so I have taken the liberty of redesigning them with a few small touches that I think will give the Dolphins the edge they need. (You may have to click the image to enlarge it)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Get to Hate a Jet: Tim Tebow

Over the past few weeks, I have seen a couple Dolphin fans on Twitter and message boards saying they want to remain Dolphin fans but if the Dolphins don’t improve, they will become Jets fans. Let us not forget there is a third option in this scenario. You could kill yourself. Seriously. Think it over. If you have been a lifelong Dolphins fan and the idea of taking of trading in your orange and teal for New Jersey green sounds appealing, please first take a nice long chug off of one of the bottles under your sink. I would cheer for cancer before I would cheer for the Jets.

I have discussed my hatred of the Jets before in this passage from 9/8/2008 
I hate the Jets probably more than a sane adult should hate a group of athletes he’s never met. The Jets first win over the Fins last year inspired me to start this site. I don’t just hate the Jets, I hate everything they represent. Every time you are on I-95 and some greasy haired dildo in a Camaro with a New Jersey license plate cuts you off, that guy LOVES the Jets. Every time it gets 43 degrees outside in Miami; that douche walking around in a tank top, saying “Youz guys think this is cold? Growin up in Hackensack, I used to freeze my friggin bawlz oowff.” That guy LOVES the Jets. Full disclosure, I live in New York City now and this is not hate against all northerners. It’s specifically against Jets fans. Every time the Jets win a football game, humanity loses and a depressed white trashy girl from New Brunswick has to reluctantly show her tits.

But why hate them as a group when you can hate them individually? That’s why I am starting a new feature on the site called Get to Hate a Jet.

From time to time I will write up reasons why you should hate one person from the Jets, past or present. From coaches and players to towelboys, I’ll probably eventually cover their whole organization down to their finance department.

I should add that I reserve the right to reverse these opinions the moment any of these people become Dolphins.

Example: Jets Chad Pennington = Noodle-Armed Sissy

Dolphins Chad Pennington= Laser Accurate Leader

This week we will start with the newest Jet that everyone seems so excited about...

Tim Tebow
Tebow is happy with his new team because he loves Jets. Here is him pointing at one.
When I found out the team I hate the most was signing the quarterback I hate the most, it was kind of convenient. Now I'm just waiting for them to sign Skeletor and my building's super. Why hate Tim Tebow?

1. He is too much of a good guy
I know some of you out there are saying "How can we hate Tim Tebow? He loves Jesus and spends his offseason rescuing orphans from demons!" With Wrestlemania happening this past weekend, I'll put it in wrestling terms. In wrestling, bad guys are called heels and good guys are called faces. Because wrestling isn't known for subtlety, heels are often pretty obvious, but sometimes you have a guy who is so much of a face, the fans turn against him. John Cena is a good recent example, but for me growing up it was Kurt Angle.
Kurt Angle was an actual gold medalist in the 1996 Olympics. He came into the WWF (Yes, it was the WWF and I will still call it that. Suck it, pandas) as an American hero, waving the flag. He was such an annoyingly over-the-top good guy that crowds eventually started chanting "You suck!You suck!" and chose instead to cheer for charming anti-heros like The Rock. Kurt Angle was a great heel but it illustrates my point. There is a point where someone can be so good that it makes you hate them. You can have too much of a good thing.

In a league filled with criminals and wife beaters it's nice to have one guy who, out of the purity of his heart, chooses to get laid less than I do. At a certain point, it gets to be too much though. It seems too good to be true. It makes you think he's hiding a dark secret.

2. He is enormously overrated
Speaking of players who have hidden dark secrets, people said Michael Vick was overrated when he was with the Falcons because, despite the flashiness, he was not that good at quarterback. They said despite his big plays, he was no good in the pocket. Vick's defenders said that his low QB rating did not factor in his extensive running talents and his ability to extend the play to win games. Well, change the skin tone, subtract half the talent and add a moral compass and you have Tim Tebow.

Let's compare their second seasons in the NFL. Let's look at 2002 Vick to 2011 Tebow.


Vick 2002 15 231 54.9 2,936 16 8 4 81.6
Tebow 2011 14 126 46.5 1,729 12 6 7 72.9
Vick 2002 113 777 6.9 46 8 44 5 4
Tebow 2011 122 660 5.4 32 6 35 6 2

Forget about Tim Tebow being no Peyton Manning. Tim Tebow is no Michael Vick. In fact Vick was better in every conceivable way.

I know some people are saying, "Yeah but he won games." Last year he led the 25th best scoring offense in the NFL(Miami was 20th. Where are all the Matt Moore jerseys?). He won games thanks in large part to an incredible defense that kept games close enough for those 4th quarter comebacks. Then again if anyone would buy that "The only stat that matters is wins" crap, it would be the Jets. Their greatest quarterback has a lifetime 65.5 QB rating and a 173/220 TD/INT ratio.

3. The Religion Thing

If this rubs some of you the wrong way, so be it. The constant Tebowing and pointing to the sky after games gets on my nerves. I know there are some people who believe you should be constantly screaming your religion from the mountaintops, but for the people whose breakfast you are interrupting with your pamphlets of "good news", it's annoying.

For one thing, overtly praying and pointing to the sky constantly after you win a game is a cruel form of taunting, even if it isn't meant that way. For the team that just lost, it feels like you're saying "We didn't win this game. God won this game for us. Our victory was His will." It is like humblebragging at it's most extreme. The other team gets to think "Hey. It's not just that we didn't play hard enough, it's also that God hates us." Please do not waste time writing me with "That's not what it means. It actually means...". I don't care. I'm not demanding you keep your religion a secret, but if you drop down into a prayer stance after you beat me at Jenga, I'm going to think you are a dick.

Side note. For any Dolphin "fans" who went to University of Florida who still cheer for him because he went there too, he's not in college anymore and neither are you. Now that he's a Jet and you have a choice to make.