Monday, September 15, 2008

The Dolphins Should be Allowed 12 Players on the Field

The Dolphins sucked this week and unlike last week, we can’t offset that sorrow with the joy that comes from watching a division rival’s QB go down with a serious injury. Brett Favre was not diagnosed with AIDS so unfortunately it’s all bad news this week. The last time a Dolphin coach with a moustache got beat by the Arizona Cardinals, he retired three days later. You’re lying to yourself if you’re not starting to watch college games scouting talent and getting your draft board together. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but a lot of these plays were inexcusable. Even Pop Warner coaches know how many players are allowed on the field at one time. The Cardinals scored a touchdown on their first play and it only got worse from there. When they were revamping the defense this off-season, the one part of the squad they didn’t feel needed revamping was the secondary. Obviously they didn’t watch any of the games from last year because the secondary got torched over and over just like last season. At some point, we’re going to have to leave a safety 50 yards back just to prevent touchdowns. We were down early and it’s hard to make a comeback with an ineffective running game and a QB who can’t throw over 15 yards. The most frustrating thing was the penalties. Every time something went their way, they countered with a idiotic penalty to negate it. Missed Cardinals field goal? Nope. Dolphins had too may players on the field. Try again. Cardinals stopped on 3 straight downs at the goal line? Nope. Thanks to a face mask penalty the Cardinals get 3 more tries. Teams with as little talent as the Dolphins can’t afford to also be sloppy. But all the penalties gave me an idea.

The Dolphins Should be Allowed 12 Players on the Field 
The Dolphins played so poorly that on one play they were penalized for both having 12 players on the field and going offside on the same play. The Cardinals declined both penalties because the play resulted in a 20 yard completion. That means even with an extra player on the field and the defense getting an illegal head start, they STILL got lit up for 20 yards. With this being the case, they should petition the league to allow 12 players on every play. Given the way they’ve been playing it’s still no guarantee that 10 will know what they’re doing on any given play. With an extra player, maybe we can triple team Randy Moss and hopefully with 12 players you won’t have mismatches like on the first play where Pro Bowl receiver Anquon Boldin found himself in single coverage with a fucking linebacker.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Force Ted Ginn to take HGH

Nothing has brought as much joy to the hearts of Dolphins fans in the past 8 months as the shortcomings of the New England Patriots. So before I mention how the game against the Jets went on Sunday, I feel obligated to mention the best news to happen to the Dolphins since they retained their title as the league’s only undefeated team.


Now I know you have questions about what this means to us as Dolphin fans.

Brady Injury FAQ's 

Q: Does it open the door for us to get into the postseason?

Q:Can the ACL/MCL tear spread to his vital organs and kill him?
A:Highly unlikely.

Q: Can they still beat us with Matt Cassel?
A: Probably.

Q: Will the loss of their quarterback rally them together toward an improbable Super Bowl run?
A:Well, for now, let’s just focus on that warm fuzzy feeling that goes through when you hear the words “Tom Brady is out for the season”. It feels good to everyone but New England fans and that idiot in your fantasy football league who swore Brady was good enough to justify picking him over a top tier running back in your draft. Supermodels, be warned: If you’re planning on sleeping with Tom Brady in the next couple months, you’re going to have to be on top.

A Preface about the New York Jets 

I hate the Jets probably more than a sane adult should hate a group of athletes he’s never met. The Jets first win over the Fins last year inspired me to start this site. I don’t just hate the Jets, I hate everything they represent. Every time you are on I-95 and some greasy haired dildo in a Camaro with a New Jersey license plate cuts you off, that guy LOVES the Jets. Every time it gets 43 degrees outside in Miami; that douche walking around in a tank top, saying “Youz guys think this is cold? Growin up in Hackensack, I used to freeze my friggin bawlz oowff.” That guy LOVES the Jets. Full disclosure, I live in New York City now and this is not hate against all northerners. It’s specifically against Jets fans. Every time the Jets win a football game, humanity loses and a depressed white trashy girl from New Brunswick has to reluctantly show her tits.

Game Analysis 

Now the game. If you only watched the last quarter of Sunday’s game against the Jets, you could easily get the idea that the Dolphins played a good, competitive game of football. What you would not know, is that short of God coming down from heaven on a flying rabid panda and striking the Jets dead with his magical platinum chainsaw (I pray for this every night, but our ways aren’t always God’s ways), every single thing that could have happened to help the Dolphins did. Over and over throughout the game they got lucky breaks.

The Jets charge down the field and the kicker not only misses the field goal at Dolphins Stadium for the first time in his life, but also injures himself. Now they don’t have a kicker. After a short series the Jets get the ball back and Favre is forced to throw on at the 4th and 13, he throws the ball straight up in the air where it hangs for so long I could have left my apartment, bought plane tickets, flown down to Miami, caught a taxi to the game and still had time to make a play on it, but for some reason, some no name receiver catches it with no one on him. Then the punter has to kick off, giving the Dolphins awesome field position. Nothing. The Jets go downfield and are in the redzone when Roth makes an awesome play, forcing a fumble to prevent a sure score to keep it close but it was all almost a cruel tease. The game featured a 9 yard punt, a kickoff out of bounds, timeouts wasted because Ronnie Brown didn’t know which play they were running and 2 huge penalties by Jake Long, a #1 draft pick who had 1 penalty in his whole 4 years of college. Each of those penalties negated first downs. I know he’s a rookie, and I will gladly stop expecting him to play like a Pro Bowl left tackle as soon as he stops expecting to be paid like one.

As always, there was just enough good to give us hope that the problems can be fixed. The tight ends looked good, the defense seemed to be getting decent pressure on the quarterback and Pennington seemed pretty accurate, but it wasn’t enough to make up for their shortcomings. The most glaring hole was the receivers. Not only did the tight ends catch twice as many balls as the receivers, even the running backs caught more than the receivers. Obviously we don’t have most talented receiver corps in the league, but how does the whole group only account for only 6 or the 26 completions. The most upsetting was Ted Ginn. That’s why I have a solution.


On the last play, Ted “Good Family” Ginn got boxed out by a cornerback so bad that when he tried to make a play on the ball to stop the interception (which failed) he was called for offensive pass interference. The whole game he was sarcastically referred to as a “Work in progress”. The reality is he has the build of a small Cambodian boy and gets pushed off almost every route he runs because he weighs 35 lbs and he’s playing against guys who can bench his entire wholesome family.

Ted Ginn Before HGH 

Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is not only a great way to build body mass, it’s also completely undetectable. There’s no known downside to it at all (That may not be true). A lot of players around the league who want to win have been known to take it and it’s time Ted Ginn adds his name to that prestigious list. Ted Ginn is too small to play football against adults.

Ted Ginn after HGH 

Now I know what you may be saying. “If Ted Ginn gets bigger, won’t that hurt his amazing speed?” I don’t know if you noticed, but he averaged 4.3 yards on his punts returns and Chad Pennington isn’t exactly throwing the ball out of the stadium. Besides, a player can’t be considered a “Deep threat” if no one over the age of 12 is actually threatened by him.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Turn Training Camp into a Sitcom

If you haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months, you’ve probably heard Jason Taylor has gone Hollywood, dancing with the stars, dining with Denzel and saying in 10 years he wants to be remembered more for his acting then his football. He’s ratcheted it up recently, skipping mandatory training camps and saying he would “accept” a trade, as if he’d have a choice in the matter. Jason wants to act, which is easier said than done, because there aren’t a ton of roles out there for 6’6 defensive ends. The Dolphins want him in camp. This leads me to an easy solution;

Turn Training Camp into a Sitcom

I’ve already written a pilot episode

Int. Dolphins Locker Room

Tony Sparano
We can’t start camp. Half the players aren’t even here

[Loud crash sound outside]

Channing Crowder stumbles in drunk

Channing Crowder
(Slurring speech)
Some maniac just crashed my car into the building. I tried to chase him down but he got away.

Tony Sparano
The part about you missing a tackle almost makes that story believable. Get in here and sit down. Where the hell is our fullback?

[Reagan Mauia Breaks through a wall]

I’m the juggernaut bitch!

Tony Sparano
Did you beat some random guy unconscious last night?

(Looking at ground in shame)
I’m sorry bitch.

Tony Sparano
Goddamnit! Goodell is cracking down on this stuff. Between your beatdowns, Crowder’s DUIs and Allen being investigated for drug charges, the only player on the field this season is gonna be Molly Mormon over here!

John Beck
Is he talking about me?

Ricky Williams
I believe so, friend.

Tony Sparano
Now where the hell is our Pro bowl defensive end?

Jason Taylor
No need to yell, silly! Dance practice ran late. I’m sorry, but my first love is the theatre. I’m turning into a triple threat, dancer-actor-singer.

Tony Sparano
I want you to listen to me as hard as you fucking can. I’m going to give you a single threat. The next time you miss my practice so you can dance, I will make you look like Isadora Duncan after she took that last convertible ride. (Looking toward audience)Jeez these Dolphins are driving me beluga!
(Laughter and applause)
[Fade Out]

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Draftacular 2008

We did it! We played poorly enough last year to earn the #1 Draft Pick. We're #1! We're #1! Before we start celebrating too hard, we need to think really hard about this pick, because this draft, for better or worse will go a long way toward determining our fate for the years to come. There are several reasons our team is not great at the moment, but mismanagement of the draft is easily at the top of that list. In my neverending quest to help save the Dolphins, I'll give you a look at our last 5 drafts, a look at this year's top draft prospects and a look to the past for some advice from our last three coaches on what they'd do with the pick. I hope you like tables, because this post is full of them.

The draft has not been kind to the Dolphins for the past decade. If the season were to start tomorrow, less than half of our starters would be people we drafted. Here’s a look back at the last 5 drafts.

The Past 5 Drafts

 1st Rd Pick
Pro Bowlers They Could Have Drafted
Dumb Moves
Decent Moves
 Ricky Williams
Lito Shepard

Michael Lewis 
Traded two 1st Round Picks for Ricky Williams, not a brilliant Move.
Got Randy McMichael in the 4th Rd 
 Asante Samual

Larry Johnson
See 2002 for Ricky.

Eddie Moore in the 2nd Rd didn't pan out. 
Got Yeremiah Bell in the 6th Rd 
 Vernon Carey
 Bob Sanders

Jared Allen
Giving a 4th Rd pick to move up a spot for Carey, who most saw as a 2nd Rd pick
Got Rex Hadnot in 6th Rd
 Ronnie Brown
 Demarcus Ware

Braylon Edwards

Traded 2nd Rd Pick for AJ Feely

Ronnie Brown and Channing Crowder in the  4th Round
 Jason Allen
Antonio Cromartie

Marcus McNeil 
Jason Allen

Trading 2nd Rd pick for Culpepper
 Derek Hagan in the 3rd. If he ever learns to hold onto the ball it will be a great pick.
 Ted Ginn
Patrick Willis 
 Too early to know for sure, but Ted Ginn at #9 was interesting.
Samson Satele in 2nd Rd

Luckily, this year we have the Tuna in our war room this year. It seems pretty clear no one wants to trade for the top pick so here’s a look at who we have to choose from.

2008 Draft Prospects

Why He'll
Save The Dolphins
Why He Won't
Chris Long
May follow father Howie’s footsteps and be a Hall of Famer. 
 May follow father’s footsteps and star in a shitty movie like Firestorm
Jake Long
 Huge guy, good combine. We haven’t had a Pro Bowl Left Tackle since the Macarena was the #1 song. (1996)
$30 million is a lot to guarantee to a guy a lot of people think may be a Right Tackle. 
Matt Ryan
Boston Collge
Could possibly be a franchise QB 
Could just be overrated like every other Boston athlete since they had their overrated Tea Party 
Ohio State
Combine freak, showed he is an elite athlete. He completed the 40 before the gun finished going off, then bench pressed a bus 37 times.
It would be a conversion project to get him to switch to outside linebacker. 
Great combine, great college career. Widely believed to be the #1 talent in this draft.
We have a ton of running backs. Also, last time we gave a 1st round pick for a RB with character concerns and a ton of illegitimate babies, he ran off to India to teach yoga.  
 Dominating defender. Can play hurt
More suited for a 4-3. Has a bum knee. 

If the Tuna needs some help deciding what to do with the pick, Here’s some advice from our last 3 coaches.

 Former Dolphin Coach
What He'd Do
Why He'd Do it
Dave Wannestedt
 I would trade this year and next year's #1 picks for Travis Henry.
How could that go wrong? 
Nick Saban
I would lie and say I'm not going to draft anyone, then I would draft Darren McFadden.
I would draft him because I am physically unable to draft anyone who didn’t play in the SEC and I would lie because I'm a piece of shit.
Cam Cameron
I would draft FSU Long Snapper, Garrison Sanborn. 
I know his family and they are good people.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Force all Dolphin Players to be on Reality TV

Last week Jason Taylor made his debut on Dancing with the Stars making him the second active Dolphins player in the last year to be on a reality TV show after Ricky Williams appeared on Pros vs Joes this season. Both of those shows had welcomed retired football players on in the past, but neither of those shows had ever had active NFL players on. I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s because active players are too focused on playing football. This leads me to one way to improve the Dolphins.

Force all Dolphin Players to be on Reality TV 
The Dolphins players are already on the highest rated reality show in the world, the NFL, and they have become the William Hungs of the league. Since they are doing terrible on their main reality show, maybe they’ll have more luck competing in other shows. Maybe we’re not cheering for an awful football team, maybe we’re cheering for an amazingly talented group of singers and dancers. I want to see the Dolphins players win, period. Maybe football field just isn’t the best showcase for their talents.

Not only could they win more off the field, they could also learn important skills. If they can survive on in a house with a bunch of total strangers, maybe they can survive in a locker room without fighting each other like children over a game of dominoes. Maybe hitting people on American Gladiators will teach them how to tackle. I also think any money they earn on these shows should be evenly distributed among season ticket holders who have been surviving on an island of mediocrity for far too long.
                                                                    Joey Porter isn't fat, but the title seemed to fit. 

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Well, this is no fun at all. This is the first thing the Tuna Administration has done that has given me pause. Not in a "I angrily disagree with this decision!", more like "You better know what you're doing." I understand cap space, but Zach Thomas has been a huge part of the identity of this franchise since his rookie season. In a lot of cases, terms like "Fan favorite", "Gritty", "Hard-nosed" and "Blue collar" normally just means some white guy who plays better than most white guys at a position other than QB or kicker (Case in point, Wayne Chrebet). Thomas seemed to be the type of guy who actually warranted these terms. All those cliches about guys who play 110% and guys whose motors are always running seemed tailor-made for him. I realize I'm typing this like a eulogy, but I really do hope he retires. I reluctantly accepted losing Welker and Chambers, but I really don't want to see Thomas in a Patriots or Jets jersey.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Giselle Bundchen Should Date Mercury Morris

This was probably our best game all season. It’s official. The Patriots are not the best team ever. In fact, they are not even the best this team this season. Despite breaking all kinds of impressive records this year, their season ended when they tied the record for least Super Bowls won in a season with 0. After all the video taping, trash talking, HGH injecting antics, the ‘72 Dolphins enjoyed their bubbly while the Patriots were sent home crying to their supermodel girlfriends, which reminds me.

Giselle Bundchen Should Date Mercury Morris

I’m not sure how much this would help save the team but it’s a good idea. She’s gotta be tired of dating a choke-artist who can’t win when it counts. Not only was Mercury Morris on a perfect football team, he also has more personality on his pinky than the Patriots have in their whole locker room. Assuming he would have her, she should do it. She’s guaranteed champagne at least once a year, when Brady, Manning or who ever else fails to match perfection. Perfectville is a lonely place and he could use some company.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Welcome Tony Sparano

It's official! We now have a new head coach in Tony Sparano. In the last few weeks, Bill Parcells was hired by Huizenga to turn this ship around and shortly after, Mueller and and Cameron were given a little extra time to golf. My closing thoughts on Cam Cameron are what they were all season: Nice guy, bad head coach. After hearing how he handled the whole Traylor situation, it's pretty clear it wasn't going to pan out. I said on October 10th, I wanted a meaner coach like Parcells and it seems we finally have one. We all know Parcells is here for a limited time. I only hope when he leaves, he can be more proud than the previous people who have swooped in to save the team. If you forgot, here's a brief, painful look back.

Everyone says Sparano is a great coach and he seems like the kind of angry work-a-holic this team needs, but before we rushed to appoint him, I think we should have at least given all the candidates a look. I have to say I’m a little surprised I wasn’t even called in for an interview. The fact is that aside from several months of advising the team through my site, I have already led the 2007 Miami Dolphins to the Super Bowl multiple times on Playstation (ON ALL-MADDEN LEVEL). All we would have to do is convert the playbook and I could just call the plays from the sideline by controller. Here is how we stack up on paper.

It seems like good news that there seem to be people finally moving the team in the right direction. Now we can sit back, relax, and wish terrible things on the Patriots.