Monday, September 8, 2008

Force Ted Ginn to take HGH

Nothing has brought as much joy to the hearts of Dolphins fans in the past 8 months as the shortcomings of the New England Patriots. So before I mention how the game against the Jets went on Sunday, I feel obligated to mention the best news to happen to the Dolphins since they retained their title as the league’s only undefeated team.


Now I know you have questions about what this means to us as Dolphin fans.

Brady Injury FAQ's 

Q: Does it open the door for us to get into the postseason?

Q:Can the ACL/MCL tear spread to his vital organs and kill him?
A:Highly unlikely.

Q: Can they still beat us with Matt Cassel?
A: Probably.

Q: Will the loss of their quarterback rally them together toward an improbable Super Bowl run?
A:Well, for now, let’s just focus on that warm fuzzy feeling that goes through when you hear the words “Tom Brady is out for the season”. It feels good to everyone but New England fans and that idiot in your fantasy football league who swore Brady was good enough to justify picking him over a top tier running back in your draft. Supermodels, be warned: If you’re planning on sleeping with Tom Brady in the next couple months, you’re going to have to be on top.

A Preface about the New York Jets 

I hate the Jets probably more than a sane adult should hate a group of athletes he’s never met. The Jets first win over the Fins last year inspired me to start this site. I don’t just hate the Jets, I hate everything they represent. Every time you are on I-95 and some greasy haired dildo in a Camaro with a New Jersey license plate cuts you off, that guy LOVES the Jets. Every time it gets 43 degrees outside in Miami; that douche walking around in a tank top, saying “Youz guys think this is cold? Growin up in Hackensack, I used to freeze my friggin bawlz oowff.” That guy LOVES the Jets. Full disclosure, I live in New York City now and this is not hate against all northerners. It’s specifically against Jets fans. Every time the Jets win a football game, humanity loses and a depressed white trashy girl from New Brunswick has to reluctantly show her tits.

Game Analysis 

Now the game. If you only watched the last quarter of Sunday’s game against the Jets, you could easily get the idea that the Dolphins played a good, competitive game of football. What you would not know, is that short of God coming down from heaven on a flying rabid panda and striking the Jets dead with his magical platinum chainsaw (I pray for this every night, but our ways aren’t always God’s ways), every single thing that could have happened to help the Dolphins did. Over and over throughout the game they got lucky breaks.

The Jets charge down the field and the kicker not only misses the field goal at Dolphins Stadium for the first time in his life, but also injures himself. Now they don’t have a kicker. After a short series the Jets get the ball back and Favre is forced to throw on at the 4th and 13, he throws the ball straight up in the air where it hangs for so long I could have left my apartment, bought plane tickets, flown down to Miami, caught a taxi to the game and still had time to make a play on it, but for some reason, some no name receiver catches it with no one on him. Then the punter has to kick off, giving the Dolphins awesome field position. Nothing. The Jets go downfield and are in the redzone when Roth makes an awesome play, forcing a fumble to prevent a sure score to keep it close but it was all almost a cruel tease. The game featured a 9 yard punt, a kickoff out of bounds, timeouts wasted because Ronnie Brown didn’t know which play they were running and 2 huge penalties by Jake Long, a #1 draft pick who had 1 penalty in his whole 4 years of college. Each of those penalties negated first downs. I know he’s a rookie, and I will gladly stop expecting him to play like a Pro Bowl left tackle as soon as he stops expecting to be paid like one.

As always, there was just enough good to give us hope that the problems can be fixed. The tight ends looked good, the defense seemed to be getting decent pressure on the quarterback and Pennington seemed pretty accurate, but it wasn’t enough to make up for their shortcomings. The most glaring hole was the receivers. Not only did the tight ends catch twice as many balls as the receivers, even the running backs caught more than the receivers. Obviously we don’t have most talented receiver corps in the league, but how does the whole group only account for only 6 or the 26 completions. The most upsetting was Ted Ginn. That’s why I have a solution.


On the last play, Ted “Good Family” Ginn got boxed out by a cornerback so bad that when he tried to make a play on the ball to stop the interception (which failed) he was called for offensive pass interference. The whole game he was sarcastically referred to as a “Work in progress”. The reality is he has the build of a small Cambodian boy and gets pushed off almost every route he runs because he weighs 35 lbs and he’s playing against guys who can bench his entire wholesome family.

Ted Ginn Before HGH 

Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is not only a great way to build body mass, it’s also completely undetectable. There’s no known downside to it at all (That may not be true). A lot of players around the league who want to win have been known to take it and it’s time Ted Ginn adds his name to that prestigious list. Ted Ginn is too small to play football against adults.

Ted Ginn after HGH 

Now I know what you may be saying. “If Ted Ginn gets bigger, won’t that hurt his amazing speed?” I don’t know if you noticed, but he averaged 4.3 yards on his punts returns and Chad Pennington isn’t exactly throwing the ball out of the stadium. Besides, a player can’t be considered a “Deep threat” if no one over the age of 12 is actually threatened by him.

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