Sign the Best Available Players (Regardless of Politics)

Today has been a real roller coaster ride for Dolphins fans. Ryan Tannehill went down with a knee injury at practice this morning and Dolphins fans spent all day glued to the internet, praying for the best. While they waited to hear his fate (Which turned out to be very encouraging), a discussion arose about who the Dolphins should sign if Tannehill's injury proved to be severe, and a few names came up including retired double-chin Jay Cutler and Colin Kaepernick.

I want to say right off the bat that this article is taking no stance on Colin Kaepernick's political leanings or statements. I assume you care as much about my politics as I do about yours, which is not at all. On paper, Kaepernick's numbers from last season look pretty impressive, but any arguments people want to make about his football skills, or his effect on a locker room are all fair game to me. What I have no patience for are arguments about his politics. Articles including this one have stated that the Dolphins cannot or should not sign him at least in part because of his politics, which is utterly ridiculous.

I totally get that Kaepernick's political statements, particularly some of his stances on Cuba and Fidel Castro rubbed a lot of South Floridians the wrong way. Many of you passionately disagree with him as you have every right to, but you may be surprised to know the Dolphins already have a number of players with beliefs that may differ from your own. In addition to the Dolphins players who kneeled during the national anthem last season, we also now have William Hayes, a player who publicly denies the existence of dinosaurs and believes in mermaids.

Does this bother you? Do you want these players cut immediately? How about crimes?  Have you loudly demanded every Dolphin get cut the moment they're arrested for domestic violence or other crimes over the years? If not, why not?

What I hate more than anything in the world is the repulsive sound of the deadbeat dads that make up the New York Jets fanbase cheering when they beat our team. I hate Tom Brady's smug grin when he torches us for another win. If there's a player out there who has the skill to prevent that who you wouldn't sign simply because of their political beliefs, you can go fuck yourself. We have nothing in common. For me, there are literally no exceptions to this. If I found out white supremacist Richard Spencer had an amazing arm, I'd sign him today.

In a perfect world, we could all cheer for a team of talented Pro Bowlers that are all perfect pillars of the community and in total lockstep with all of our beliefs. The real world often offers more complex choices. While some players might fit that description for you, like Jason Taylor or Zach Thomas, we also live in the world of Richie Incognito. Aside from the tapes that came out during the overblown "Bullygate" bullshit a few years ago, I've heard very few people describe him as anything other than an asshole. I would not want to hang out with him under any circumstances, but I was still furious when we cut him because he was pretty good at football. While our guards have at times been like  turnstiles the last few seasons, Incognito went to 2 consecutive Pro Bowls.

If you either wouldn't sign the best player available simply because of politics, or you're one of the pussies who stopped watching football last season simply because players were making a political statement you disagreed with, you need to accept that you're the easily triggered snowflake in need of a safe space.

Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Brent Grimes on Ice

I've never had to watch a child of mine die right in front of me, but if I do I can at least be comforted knowing I've already seen something more painful. Twice this year the Dolphins have had the lead in the waning moments, only to watch an NFC North team plow down the field with ease and score last-second touchdowns. It feels the way the final fight in Karate Kid must have felt for the parents of the Cobra Kai. 

Obviously in both games, we made a number of good plays and both the Packers and Lions are great teams so it's tempting to try to see them as the kind of "moral victories" that mediocre teams like ours thrive on. Since our last playoff appearance in 2008, we've hovered between 6-10 and 8-8, the kind of mediocrity that keeps you both out of the the playoffs and out of position to get elite draft picks (Not that Jeff Ireland would have done much with them anyway. ::cough:: Dion Jordan,)

To add injury to insult we also found out we've lost Brandon Albert for the season. Even with him, it seemed unlikely we could take the next step to be elite and things definitely haven't gotten any easier.

It's especially frustrating because some players on our team are playing out of their minds. That Brent Grimes pick was one of the coolest plays I've seen in a while and Cameron Wake has been a beast all season. The problem is that those players are 31 and 32 respectively. If we ever put a team on the field good enough to make a real run at a Super Bowl, what are the odds they'll be young enough to be part of it? That's when I got an idea that may or may not have been influenced by me seeing Interstellar.

Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Locker Room of the Future

Since our last Super Bowl win (It's been a while), we've had a lot of great players, just never enough of them at one time.  We've had Pro Bowlers at almost every position, just never enough on the field to get us to the promised land. At the same time, we often do well enough to not be in position to get elite draft picks.

My plan is to put our best players in cryosleep to preserve them until we have enough talent to be an actual threat to win the Super Bowl at which time we will thaw them out.

Of the players on our current team, I'd probably go with:
Cameron Wake
Brent Grimes
Mike Wallace
Olivier Vernon
Mike Pouncey
Ja'Wuan James
and I'm strongly considering Jarvis Landry.

I'm not entirely sure how much cryosleep costs so I may add more players if it's cost effective. Yes I know the technology doesn't technically exist yet, but how hard could it be. I'm sure Stephen Ross has the cash to make it happen.

It also has tons of advantages:

1. Preserve Talent

For too long, we've had to sit by and watch as talented players on our team aged and got hurt with no supporting cast to get them to the next level. We had one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time with no running game or defense. We had Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas in their prime with no offense to put points on the board. If we had started this plan last week, we'd have an elite left tackle with 2 healthy knees waiting for us on ice.

2. Their Contracts Won't Be So Overinflated in the Future

While some of our players are a bit overpaid in today's dollars, by the time we need them, inflation will have made their contracts much more reasonable. Mike Wallace is probably a bargain in 2043 dollars.

3. Better Draft Picks

While our most talented players are in the freezer, we'll be racking up top draft picks who we can also freeze if they turn out to be decent players. If we draft the way we have for the last few years, we should have an elite team in just 20 or 30 short years.

I'm sure the players union is probably going to bitch about how this plan somehow "infringes on player's rights" and shows that we are "depraved monsters" who only care about winning, but progress always has it's speed bumps. Besides, basic human decency is a small price to pay for a team that can finish a game in the 4th quarter.

Turn Training Camp into a Sitcom

If you haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months, you’ve probably heard Jason Taylor has gone Hollywood, dancing with the stars, dining with Denzel and saying in 10 years he wants to be remembered more for his acting then his football. He’s ratcheted it up recently, skipping mandatory training camps and saying he would “accept” a trade, as if he’d have a choice in the matter. Jason wants to act, which is easier said than done, because there aren’t a ton of roles out there for 6’6 defensive ends. The Dolphins want him in camp. This leads me to an easy solution;

Turn Training Camp into a Sitcom

I’ve already written a pilot episode

Int. Dolphins Locker Room

 

Tony Sparano
We can’t start camp. Half the players aren’t even here

[Loud crash sound outside]

Channing Crowder stumbles in drunk

Channing Crowder
(Slurring speech)
Some maniac just crashed my car into the building. I tried to chase him down but he got away.

Tony Sparano
The part about you missing a tackle almost makes that story believable. Get in here and sit down. Where the hell is our fullback?

[Reagan Mauia Breaks through a wall]

Reagan
I’m the juggernaut bitch!

Tony Sparano
Did you beat some random guy unconscious last night?
Reagan
(Looking at ground in shame)
I’m sorry bitch.

Tony Sparano
Goddamnit! Goodell is cracking down on this stuff. Between your beatdowns, Crowder’s DUIs and Allen being investigated for drug charges, the only player on the field this season is gonna be Molly Mormon over here!

 

John Beck
Is he talking about me?

Ricky Williams
I believe so, friend.

Tony Sparano
Now where the hell is our Pro bowl defensive end?

Jason Taylor
No need to yell, silly! Dance practice ran late. I’m sorry, but my first love is the theatre. I’m turning into a triple threat, dancer-actor-singer.

Tony Sparano
I want you to listen to me as hard as you fucking can. I’m going to give you a single threat. The next time you miss my practice so you can dance, I will make you look like Isadora Duncan after she took that last convertible ride. (Looking toward audience)Jeez these Dolphins are driving me beluga!
(Laughter and applause)
[Fade Out]

Force all Dolphin Players to be on Reality TV

Last week Jason Taylor made his debut on Dancing with the Stars making him the second active Dolphins player in the last year to be on a reality TV show after Ricky Williams appeared on Pros vs Joes this season. Both of those shows had welcomed retired football players on in the past, but neither of those shows had ever had active NFL players on. I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s because active players are too focused on playing football. This leads me to one way to improve the Dolphins.

Force all Dolphin Players to be on Reality TV 

The Dolphins players are already on the highest rated reality show in the world, the NFL, and they have become the William Hungs of the league. Since they are doing terrible on their main reality show, maybe they’ll have more luck competing in other shows. Maybe we’re not cheering for an awful football team, maybe we’re cheering for an amazingly talented group of singers and dancers. I want to see the Dolphins players win, period. Maybe football field just isn’t the best showcase for their talents.

Not only could they win more off the field, they could also learn important skills. If they can survive on in a house with a bunch of total strangers, maybe they can survive in a locker room without fighting each other like children over a game of dominoes. Maybe hitting people on American Gladiators will teach them how to tackle. I also think any money they earn on these shows should be evenly distributed among season ticket holders who have been surviving on an island of mediocrity for far too long.

                                                                    Joey Porter isn't fat, but the title seemed to fit. 

Have Jason Taylor Fight Cam Cameron to the Death

The last two games against the Bills and Jets confirmed what many had suspected, that the Dolphins have actually become worse as the season has gone on, regressing from a semi-competitive team who couldn’t catch a break into a laughable blooper reel of a team who only serves to give easy wins to otherwise terrible teams. Aside from their on-field play getting worse, there are signs of division off the field, the biggest of which seems to be the growing rift between Jason Taylor and coach Cam Cameron. A team cannot expect to succeed with its only healthy star feuding with its coach, which leaves one rational decision.

Have Jason Taylor Fight Cam Cameron to the Death 

Since the dawn of time, fights to the death have been used successfully to settle feuds. There is no way to know who would win this battle, but it’s clear that one of them needs to stay with the team and one of them needs to die. Their fight should be held at Dolphin Stadium so for once this season, Dolphin fans can leave the stadium with smiles on their faces.

Tale of the Tape

Jason Taylor	Fighters	Cam Cameron
33	Age	46
6'6	Height	Afraid of Heights
255	Weight	185
88-85 (Playing NFL)	Record	18-50 (Head Coaching)
5 Pro Bowls 114 Sacks Certified Badass	Special Abilities	Positive Attitude Not afraid to “Fail Forward Fast”