Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Brent Grimes on Ice

I've never had to watch a child of mine die right in front of me, but if I do I can at least be comforted knowing I've already seen something more painful. Twice this year the Dolphins have had the lead in the waning moments, only to watch an NFC North team plow down the field with ease and score last-second touchdowns. It feels the way the final fight in Karate Kid must have felt for the parents of the Cobra Kai. 

Obviously in both games, we made a number of good plays and both the Packers and Lions are great teams so it's tempting to try to see them as the kind of "moral victories" that mediocre teams like ours thrive on. Since our last playoff appearance in 2008, we've hovered between 6-10 and 8-8, the kind of mediocrity that keeps you both out of the the playoffs and out of position to get elite draft picks (Not that Jeff Ireland would have done much with them anyway. ::cough:: Dion Jordan,)

To add injury to insult we also found out we've lost Brandon Albert for the season. Even with him, it seemed unlikely we could take the next step to be elite and things definitely haven't gotten any easier.

It's especially frustrating because some players on our team are playing out of their minds. That Brent Grimes pick was one of the coolest plays I've seen in a while and Cameron Wake has been a beast all season. The problem is that those players are 31 and 32 respectively. If we ever put a team on the field good enough to make a real run at a Super Bowl, what are the odds they'll be young enough to be part of it? That's when I got an idea that may or may not have been influenced by me seeing Interstellar.

Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Locker Room of the Future

Since our last Super Bowl win (It's been a while), we've had a lot of great players, just never enough of them at one time.  We've had Pro Bowlers at almost every position, just never enough on the field to get us to the promised land. At the same time, we often do well enough to not be in position to get elite draft picks.

My plan is to put our best players in cryosleep to preserve them until we have enough talent to be an actual threat to win the Super Bowl at which time we will thaw them out.

Of the players on our current team, I'd probably go with:
Cameron Wake
Brent Grimes
Mike Wallace
Olivier Vernon
Mike Pouncey
Ja'Wuan James
and I'm strongly considering Jarvis Landry.

I'm not entirely sure how much cryosleep costs so I may add more players if it's cost effective. Yes I know the technology doesn't technically exist yet, but how hard could it be. I'm sure Stephen Ross has the cash to make it happen.

It also has tons of advantages:

1. Preserve Talent

For too long, we've had to sit by and watch as talented players on our team aged and got hurt with no supporting cast to get them to the next level. We had one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time with no running game or defense. We had Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas in their prime with no offense to put points on the board. If we had started this plan last week, we'd have an elite left tackle with 2 healthy knees waiting for us on ice.

2. Their Contracts Won't Be So Overinflated in the Future

While some of our players are a bit overpaid in today's dollars, by the time we need them, inflation will have made their contracts much more reasonable. Mike Wallace is probably a bargain in 2043 dollars.

3. Better Draft Picks

While our most talented players are in the freezer, we'll be racking up top draft picks who we can also freeze if they turn out to be decent players. If we draft the way we have for the last few years, we should have an elite team in just 20 or 30 short years.

I'm sure the players union is probably going to bitch about how this plan somehow "infringes on player's rights" and shows that we are "depraved monsters" who only care about winning, but progress always has it's speed bumps. Besides, basic human decency is a small price to pay for a team that can finish a game in the 4th quarter.

The NFL Needs to Stop the Bullying of Ryan Tannehill

Noogie Time

Shirt Wedgie

The Miami Dolphins have a major problem with bullying. So far this season, one of their players has been forcefully thrown down to the ground 35 times and hit countless more. These attacks have left him physically hurting and bruised and who knows how that is effecting him emotionally. The Dolphins appointed 5 guys to try to protect him, but apparently they have been too busy calling each other names and playing dumb pranks to do any good. Now one of those "protectors" has been sent away for bad behavior, leaving Ryan Tannehill vulnerable to even more bullying. This needs to stop:

Come on

The NFL Needs to Stop the Bullying of Ryan Tannehill

The NFL needs to step in and do something about this. This means doing several things:

1. Get Tannehill Some Protection

Tannehill needs some muscle.

For starters, Ryan Tannehill needs 24 hour bodyguards to follow him both on and off the field to make sure people stop assaulting him. The NFL should be in charge of finding these bodyguards because Jeff Ireland has clearly shown he does not possess the skills to find people to protect Tannehill from bullying who can do the job compently without commiting hate crimes.

2. Opposing Defenses Need Sensitivity Training 

Tannehill is consoled after a beating

Opposing defenses need to be given sensitivity training to teach them how their violence makes the players on offense feel.

3. Fire Jeff Ireland

This has nothing to do with Ryan Tannehill or bullying, but it's way overdue. If Stephen Ross can't do it, the NFL should.

Ryan Tannehill Needs Stilts

On Sunday I watched the Dolphins continue their Globetrotters-Generals rivalry with the Texans. We have never beat the Texans a single time, which would be embarrassing even if they had a ton of playoff wins, instead of just one ever.

The game actually had a promising start. We got up 3-0. Our defense was looking pretty solid. The running game with Reggie Bush seemed to be working. I even started to get "I told you they would be good" tweets from people. Then came the end of the second half. Interception. Interception. Fumble. Ballgame. The game was never close after that.

If you did not watch the game and only saw the stat line, Ryan Tannehill played a bit better than his 39 passer rating and 3 interceptions suggest. He made a lot of tough throws, but as I'm sure you have heard by now, he had a bit of an issue with balls being tipped at the line. For some reason, Tannehill, who is 6'4, had a hell of a time getting the ball over top the Texans D Line. They were able to get their hands on 6 passes at the line, 2 of which became interceptions. Watching the game, you would have thought Doug Flutie was out there trying to throw underhand over Shaquille O'Neal.

If it was just this game, you could write it off, but he had 4 tipped balls against Carolina in the preseason and 19 last season in college, so this is kind of an issue. The O-line needs to do a better job of engaging defenders and I'm sure Tannehill will get better at seeing throwing lanes better as he gets more experience, but this is an emergency and drastic times call for drastic measures.

Ryan Tannehill Needs Stilts 

Being 6'4 should be enough to allow you to throw the ball over a D line most of the time with no problems, but apparently that's not the case for Ryan Tannehill. If we want to see the ball consistently go more than 10 feet, he is gonna need a boost. Maybe at 7'4 he can finally clear the D line to give our receivers a chance to drop some more passes.

Oh yeah, drops are still a bit of an issue on our team. If only we had a beast of a receiver who could pull down 9 catches for 119 yards and a touchdown. It's too bad that guys like that are very rare to find, and our team sure as hell hasn't been finding anyone like that in the third round.

 With trading Brandon Marshall for next to nothing and Vontae Davis, this team has essentially thrown in the towel for this year, to try to build picks for next year. Even if Tannehill turns out to be a Hall of Famer, the GM who should be using those picks is sure as hell better not be named Jeff Ireland. But I don't want to leave on a downer so here's a nerdy Dolphins poster. Enjoy.

Things Are Looking Up

For the past week, I've been in Ireland reconnecting with my rich alcoholic heritage. With my phone not working here, I've been getting news in tiny chunks. With the huge exception of the heartbreaking news about Junior Seau,  I've been surprised by the good news coming out about the Miami Dolphins

Ryan Tannehill is Looking Good

I didn't write a post-draft analysis because there are already a ton written by people with much more football experience, but I liked our draft. You can't really know for sure about a draft until years later, but it seemed like we were picking the best guys available rather than by need. Tannehill was a pick I really liked and apparently, he impressed at his first rookie camp. It doesn't mean much, but still it's better than hearing he did terrible.

Here are the top 3 reasons I like the Ryan Tannehill pick.

1. It gives us hope

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Post-Marino, we have repeatedly tried to get QB by either drafting a 2nd round QB (Beck, Henne, White) or trading 2nd round picks for them (Feely, Culpepper). While we did that, we watched Aaron Rogers and Matt Ryan slide right by. Sooner or later you have to roll the dice and I'm glad we finally did.

2. Mike Sherman believes in him
As I mentioned in my pre-draft post, our Offensive Coordinator was his college coach and he knows Tannehill better than anyone. If he's seen the good and the bad from Tannehill and wants to pick him 8th, I'm on board too. It also helps that the offense is similar enough that Tannehill said he already knows 80% of playbook.

3.Hot Wife

Hats this dumb are worn exclusively by hot chicks and/or the mentally ill

This has already been covered to death, but just in case you hadn't heard, Mrs. Tannehill is attractive. There is that scene in Moneyball where a scout says that an ugly girlfriend means no confidence and it would be great to think him having a hot wife somehow means something good about him, but it probably doesn't. What it does mean is that when they inevitably show her reaction shots from the crowd, it will be easier on the eyes. Generally I'm more into brunettes with curves, but with the 8th pick, you take what falls to you.

The good news doesn't stop there though...

We Finally Paid Cameron Wake!
I already wrote about this in this post. I like that we paid him and I also like that we didn't overpay. The deal we signed has been widely viewed as a smart one and I applaud the Dolphins for making these smart move.

I guess now we just patiently wait for the ransom not to arrive, because clearly Jeff Ireland has been kidnapped.

Draftacular 2012

For Dolphins fans, Draft day is like Christmas for the children of a deadbeat alcoholic. For bad football teams, the draft is a time for optimism. Hope for the best but prepare for disappointment. The draft process is kind of like relationships.

Dating: The Pre-Draft
We go out and try to find people we feel like we can commit to. We spend time with them and find out what their strengths are. We talk to them and try to gauge what kind of people they are. Most of them aren't perfect, they almost always come with baggage (injuries, criminal records, too many kids) . Often times we find people we like because they are good but if they could just change one or two things, they could be perfect.

Marriage: The Draft
We take the information we've been given and we commit. People act happy even while some murmur "What are they doing?" but it's our decision to make and we make it.

Honeymoon: Post Draft Bliss
After we choose our people we spend the time from then through the preseason trying to convince ourselves we made the right decision. As fans we comb through every training camp report looking for a sign that we've signed some future Hall of Famers.

Acceptance: Acceptance
Eventually, we finally have to accept what the people actually are. You see which flaws they can grow out of and which ones are just hardwired in who they are. Since Jimmy Johnson, the Dolphins have become known for our terrible judgement. We keep going from bad marriage to bad marriage with black eyes constantly claiming our guys "can change". As you can see on the chart below, in the Ireland administration, a lot of our marriages have ended in divorce.

Jeff Ireland's Drafts 2008-2011

Our most recent divorce with Phillip Merling (32nd overall pick) was just finalized last week. Some of the players on the chart may become starters by the time the season starts but the overall picture is clear. Two Pro Bowlers in 4 drafts. One was the first overall pick and the other is a kicker. Even among the starters there are just a few who seem likely to develop into stars. With all of these poor choices, Dolphins fans have become skeptical, which brings us to today. READ ON

Cameron Wake Needs to Get Paid

Cameron Wake goes after quarterbacks like he watched them murder his parents as a child and he's spent his whole life plotting revenge. He is easily my favorite Dolphin. Even in 2009, when he was only used for special blitz situations, when he is on the screen, your eyes are drawn to him. He brings an intensity that is palpable. Unfortunately, that intensity is now being aimed at the Dolphins due to the fact that he is currently getting paid 1/4 the salary of our kicker.

On one level, you have to give it to Jeff Ireland. As much as I hate him for all the dumb moves he's made, getting Wake was genius. Wake was scouted from the CFL, given the largest NFL contract ever given to a player out of the CFL (The previous high was 3 beaver pelts and NHL season tickets) and we got a Pro Bowler for chump change.

The bad news is that Cameron Wake doesn't like you calling him a chump. He does not like it one bit. So Cameron Wake is now holding out until a contract extension is reached. I almost always despise player holdouts but with Wake being 30 and currently being paid less than his backup, it's time to pay him. I know we have limited cap space and we still need to sign the rookies we draft, but there is more than one reason we need to pay Cameron Wake.

An unhappy Cameron Wake puts us all in danger
Cameron Wake clearly deserves a higher salary based on his play, but another prime reason to pay him is public safety. Wake has built a reputation for being a model citizen off the field and a tireless workaholic on it. He is known for being a gym-rat, often the first guy to get there and the last guy to leave. But you take away that gym and those workouts and you then have a very strong, very angry gentleman walking around South Florida. He's nice, but so is Bruce Banner before people piss him off. When he files his taxes, how long is he going to stand in line at the post office before the line of people start to look like an offensive line and the teller starts to look like Tom Brady? He seems really nice, but why test him?

Hopefully we get this deal done soon. In the mean time, the holdout frees him up to do other jobs on the side. I have some suggestions.

Ways for Cameron Wake to Make Money During His Holdout

1.Do Commercials

Although he is well known by other players and coaches, he is virtually unknown to a lot of fans outside Miami and there is no excuse for it. Unlike past Dolphins who aspired to a career in acting, the only role he seems interesting in auditioning for is lead murderer in his opponent's nightmares. He should have more of the fame and endorsements that come from playing at a high level and that starts with becoming a pitchman. I've drawn up a couple quick ideas for products that might suit him.

Who have the Dolphins Beaten? (Mostly their wives and girlfriends)

Koa Misi got arrested on charges of battery with serious injury and from the look in his eyes, he's very sorry about it. It hasn't yet been reported who the victim was so at this point we don't know. What we do know is this is the 12th violent arrest on the team in the last 10 years. This does not count arrests for DUI, drugs or players who were arrested when they weren't on our team (Brandon Marshall), just violent arrests by active players. Who have they attacked? Lets look at their stats.

Assault/Battery Arrests Since 2002
Their Pregnant Wife/Girlfriend	2
Their Nonpregnant Wife/Girlfriend	3
Police Officer	2
Random Person at Bar or Restaurant	3
Airport Gate Attendant	1
Not Sure Yet (Koa Misi)	1

Or to make it a bit more clear, how about a pie chart.

That's 12 violent arrests in 10 years and 1 playoff appearance in that span. No success on a football field could ever make up for violence off of it,  but it would be nice if our team could be something more than a work-release program.

3/31/11 Update:
Ok. So it turns out a 19 year old taunted him from a balcony. Later when that guy was sleeping, Misi punched through the door (Punching through doors? Who is he? The Hulk?) and beat the shit out of him. It's a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever taunted someone from a balcony. If you're going to taunt, taunt safe guys. There are a lot of angry NFL players out there.

"That's history. It's behind us."

A good way to gauge whether the Dolphins excuses for their terrible decisions are valid is to see if the tactics would work on my girlfriend. One of the most idiotic decisions the Dolphins have made recently was trading Pro Bowler Brandon Marshall to the Bears for two 3rd round picks. Now, Brandon Marshall was not a nice guy. He has always had a thing for the ladies, and by "thing" I mean backhand. Still, his talent will be sorely missed on a team lacking it.

The Dolphins have tried to spin it as a possible good thing, because who knows how good the picks might turn out to be? It reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter had to choose between a boat or a mystery box leading Peter to say "The mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat!" What we do know is our last four 3rd round picks: John Jerry, Patrick Turner, Kendall Langford and Lorenzo Booker do not equal one Brandon Marshall. Not even close. Only one of them, John Jerry, is even still on the team. Maybe Jeff Ireland will suddenly get lucky but it seems unlikely.

When the fans weren't buying the trade Stephen Ross started basically saying, "We were going to cut him so we were lucky to get 2 terrible picks." The logic seems to be "I did something dumb but I almost did something way more dumb." Is that valid? How would it work on my girlfriend:

My girlfriend: You traded my dog for lottery tickets?!?!?!?

Me: Yes I did. First off, these tickets might be able to buy hundreds of dogs. 

Secondly, I was going to give your dog away for nothing, so isn't this way better?

That logic would not work on my girlfriend just as it did not work on Dolphin fans.

Then, today in a press conference, Stephen Ross tried an even ballsier gambit. Asked about Brandon Marshall, he said “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us. It's a trade. He wasn't cut. We got fair value and we think the football team is better for it.” Wow. He restates the "We could have cut him" logic and that we got fair value which we clearly didn't, but ballsiest of all was “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us." which would be totally valid if it wasn't 2 weeks ago! Let's go back to that scene with my girlfriend...

My girlfriend: You traded him away without even asking me! You are a monster!

Me: You're still yammering on about that? Look. It happened, ok? Neither of us can change it now. It's in the past. We have to move on with our lives in the present and later the future.

My Girlfriend: I just found out 10 minutes ago and you haven't even apologized!

Me: It's history! There's no changing it! I don't have a time machine! Do you want to live your whole life in the past?!?!?

And scene.

It is history, but unfortunately history shows us that Jeff Ireland has made a ton of stupid moves that turned out to be exactly as stupid as they seemed (Pat White) and until we learn from our history (Fire Jeff Ireland) we are doomed to repeat it.