Who have the Dolphins Beaten? (Mostly their wives and girlfriends)

Koa Misi got arrested on charges of battery with serious injury and from the look in his eyes, he's very sorry about it. It hasn't yet been reported who the victim was so at this point we don't know. What we do know is this is the 12th violent arrest on the team in the last 10 years. This does not count arrests for DUI, drugs or players who were arrested when they weren't on our team (Brandon Marshall), just violent arrests by active players. Who have they attacked? Lets look at their stats.

Assault/Battery Arrests Since 2002
Their Pregnant Wife/Girlfriend	2
Their Nonpregnant Wife/Girlfriend	3
Police Officer	2
Random Person at Bar or Restaurant	3
Airport Gate Attendant	1
Not Sure Yet (Koa Misi)	1

Or to make it a bit more clear, how about a pie chart.

That's 12 violent arrests in 10 years and 1 playoff appearance in that span. No success on a football field could ever make up for violence off of it,  but it would be nice if our team could be something more than a work-release program.

3/31/11 Update:
Ok. So it turns out a 19 year old taunted him from a balcony. Later when that guy was sleeping, Misi punched through the door (Punching through doors? Who is he? The Hulk?) and beat the shit out of him. It's a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever taunted someone from a balcony. If you're going to taunt, taunt safe guys. There are a lot of angry NFL players out there.

Stop Pretending Like Character Matters

Notice I said pretending. As long as we are paying $20,000,000 to a guy who led a cowardly gang beating on someone in the middle of a Vegas casino, any talk of character and integrity on this team is hypocrisy. Yet aside from Porter, everyone else with any legal troubles has been dumped. We gave DT Fred Evans the boot just because he bit a Miami Police officer (Who among us hasn’t been there?). We’ve given Ricky Williams the cold shoulder just because he likes the Cartoon Network more than we would like (If you don’t like hacky sack, maybe there’s something wrong with YOU!). In addition, we traded Chris Chambers after a DUI and Randy McMichael because his wife doesn’t listen. The NFL and the world have changed. We now live in a society where you are allowed to put your dog to sleep but you’re not allowed to let that dog know what it feels like to be a champion, yet the facts remain the same.

What do O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor and Michael Irvin have in common? They were all first ballot Hall of Famers. The Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the mid-90s was practically a work release program. If we can have a talented team made up with players with strong morals and integrity like Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, awesome. But if I had to choose between our team being a winless group of guys with “Great Families” or an undefeated team of moral degenerates and HGH users led by an evil coach so morally bankrupt he cheats and steals, I’d take the latter. I’m tired of this illusion that football players have to be good role models. Even if that were true, what does a nice guy like John Beck teach kids? It teaches them if you follow the rules and do the right things, you will sit the bench on a winless team while other guys who run around making illegitimate babies while playing for coaches who cheat get to bang Gisselle Bundchen while being universally adored by everyone(Purely hypothetical).

Our top area of need is defense, particularly people who can chase and tackle people. If anything, I think we should recruit directly from prisons. We only get a few draft picks and prisons are an untapped well of talent, full of guys who can chase people down and prevent big runs and kickoff returns for touchdowns. Obviously we'd have to remove those Plasmas from the lockerroom, but change is never easy. After we start winning some games, we can start weeding out the crazier players on the team (Sorry Mad Dog) but at least we'd have a winning foundation and we wouldn't have to hear more positive thinking speeches from Cam Cameron about how even though we're losing, we're learning and growing. College is a place for learning. The NFL is a place for winning.  

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Saving The Dolphins for Kids

 

Much like Whitney Houston, I believe that children are the future. I don't claim to have all the answers for the Dolphins problems, so occasionally, I am going to post a child's letter to the Dolphins, hoping that will improve things. If you have a child (or access to crayons and too much time on your hands) email me their ideas at davekinneycomic@gmail.com