Stop Pretending Like Character Matters

Notice I said pretending. As long as we are paying $20,000,000 to a guy who led a cowardly gang beating on someone in the middle of a Vegas casino, any talk of character and integrity on this team is hypocrisy. Yet aside from Porter, everyone else with any legal troubles has been dumped. We gave DT Fred Evans the boot just because he bit a Miami Police officer (Who among us hasn’t been there?). We’ve given Ricky Williams the cold shoulder just because he likes the Cartoon Network more than we would like (If you don’t like hacky sack, maybe there’s something wrong with YOU!). In addition, we traded Chris Chambers after a DUI and Randy McMichael because his wife doesn’t listen. The NFL and the world have changed. We now live in a society where you are allowed to put your dog to sleep but you’re not allowed to let that dog know what it feels like to be a champion, yet the facts remain the same.

What do O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor and Michael Irvin have in common? They were all first ballot Hall of Famers. The Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the mid-90s was practically a work release program. If we can have a talented team made up with players with strong morals and integrity like Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, awesome. But if I had to choose between our team being a winless group of guys with “Great Families” or an undefeated team of moral degenerates and HGH users led by an evil coach so morally bankrupt he cheats and steals, I’d take the latter. I’m tired of this illusion that football players have to be good role models. Even if that were true, what does a nice guy like John Beck teach kids? It teaches them if you follow the rules and do the right things, you will sit the bench on a winless team while other guys who run around making illegitimate babies while playing for coaches who cheat get to bang Gisselle Bundchen while being universally adored by everyone(Purely hypothetical).

Our top area of need is defense, particularly people who can chase and tackle people. If anything, I think we should recruit directly from prisons. We only get a few draft picks and prisons are an untapped well of talent, full of guys who can chase people down and prevent big runs and kickoff returns for touchdowns. Obviously we'd have to remove those Plasmas from the lockerroom, but change is never easy. After we start winning some games, we can start weeding out the crazier players on the team (Sorry Mad Dog) but at least we'd have a winning foundation and we wouldn't have to hear more positive thinking speeches from Cam Cameron about how even though we're losing, we're learning and growing. College is a place for learning. The NFL is a place for winning.  

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Saving The Dolphins for Kids

 

Much like Whitney Houston, I believe that children are the future. I don't claim to have all the answers for the Dolphins problems, so occasionally, I am going to post a child's letter to the Dolphins, hoping that will improve things. If you have a child (or access to crayons and too much time on your hands) email me their ideas at davekinneycomic@gmail.com

Bring Back Marino

Yesterday the Dolphins were not just beaten but humiliated by Culpepper and the Raiders at home despite Joey Porter guaranteeing a win. The loss served notice to the rest of the terrible teams in the league that the road to the number 1 draft pick next year runs through Miami. The fact that Joey Porter's guarantee to beat one of the worst teams in the league even made headlines showed how far the Dolphins have fallen and the fact that the team could not deliver proved there is still more disappointment to come. Also, Marino's touchdown record was broken by Favre, the Bills got their first win and your dog just died. This week I have two tips for the Dolphins.

1. Replace Trent Green with Dan Marino

The Dolphins are not losing because of Trent Green, but they are not winning because of him either. The season is lost and there is no use in throwing John Beck to the wolves just yet. The present is awful and the future must be protected. With that being said, we must try to save the only thing we have left; the past. Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl and those records are all he has left. If all Trent Green is going to do is mentor Beck while throwing 2 interceptions a game, Marino can do that, plus try to get some of his records back in the process. I know what some of you are thinking. "Dan Marino can't catch up to Favre." Given Favre's recent hot streak that's probably true, but what if something bad were to happen to him? Favre has never missed a start even through Katrina destroying his house, his wife's illness and his Father's passing, so clearly we can't rely on God to stop him. We should instead count on Joey Porter. 

2. Send Joey Porter to Kill Brett Favre 

 

The Dolphins have guaranteed Porter $20 million dollars and unlike his guarantees, theirs are legally binding. Joey Porter is only averaging 3 tackles per game with no sacks. When you compare that to this offseason, when he and three friends cowardly attacked a Bengals lineman in Vegas, it's pretty clear where he is most effective. On the field where there are people to block him, he is useless, but off the field, where other players are trying to relax and unwind, when Porter is allowed to bring a crew of friends, he has real superstar potential. We didn't pay Porter to make empty promises, we paid him to hurt opposing quarterbacks, and since he can't do that on the field anymore, he needs to man up and take some responsibility, starting with the murder of Brett Favre.