Monday, November 10, 2014

Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Brent Grimes on Ice
I've never had to watch a child of mine die right in front of me, but if I do I can at least be comforted knowing I've already seen something more painful. Twice this year the Dolphins have had the lead in the waning moments, only to watch an NFC North team plow down the field with ease and score last-second touchdowns. It feels the way the final fight in Karate Kid must have felt for the parents of the Cobra Kai. 

Obviously in both games, we made a number of good plays and both the Packers and Lions are great teams so it's tempting to try to see them as the kind of "moral victories" that mediocre teams like ours thrive on. Since our last playoff appearance in 2008, we've hovered between 6-10 and 8-8, the kind of mediocrity that keeps you both out of the the playoffs and out of position to get elite draft picks (Not that Jeff Ireland would have done much with them anyway. ::cough:: Dion Jordan,)

To add injury to insult we also found out we've lost Brandon Albert for the season. Even with him, it seemed unlikely we could take the next step to be elite and things definitely haven't gotten any easier.

It's especially frustrating because some players on our team are playing out of their minds. That Brent Grimes pick was one of the coolest plays I've seen in a while and Cameron Wake has been a beast all season. The problem is that those players are 31 and 32 respectively. If we ever put a team on the field good enough to make a real run at a Super Bowl, what are the odds they'll be young enough to be part of it? That's when I got an idea that may or may not have been influenced by me seeing Interstellar.

Put Our Best Players in Cryosleep

Locker Room of the Future

Since our last Super Bowl win (It's been a while), we've had a lot of great players, just never enough of them at one time.  We've had Pro Bowlers at almost every position, just never enough on the field to get us to the promised land. At the same time, we often do well enough to not be in position to get elite draft picks.

My plan is to put our best players in cryosleep to preserve them until we have enough talent to be an actual threat to win the Super Bowl at which time we will thaw them out.

Of the players on our current team, I'd probably go with:
Cameron Wake
Brent Grimes
Mike Wallace
Olivier Vernon
Mike Pouncey
Ja'Wuan James
and I'm strongly considering Jarvis Landry.

I'm not entirely sure how much cryosleep costs so I may add more players if it's cost effective. Yes I know the technology doesn't technically exist yet, but how hard could it be. I'm sure Stephen Ross has the cash to make it happen.

It also has tons of advantages:

1. Preserve Talent

For too long, we've had to sit by and watch as talented players on our team aged and got hurt with no supporting cast to get them to the next level. We had one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time with no running game or defense. We had Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas in their prime with no offense to put points on the board. If we had started this plan last week, we'd have an elite left tackle with 2 healthy knees waiting for us on ice.

2. Their Contracts Won't Be So Overinflated in the Future

While some of our players are a bit overpaid in today's dollars, by the time we need them, inflation will have made their contracts much more reasonable. Mike Wallace is probably a bargain in 2043 dollars.

3. Better Draft Picks

While our most talented players are in the freezer, we'll be racking up top draft picks who we can also freeze if they turn out to be decent players. If we draft the way we have for the last few years, we should have an elite team in just 20 or 30 short years.

I'm sure the players union is probably going to bitch about how this plan somehow "infringes on player's rights" and shows that we are "depraved monsters" who only care about winning, but progress always has it's speed bumps. Besides, basic human decency is a small price to pay for a team that can finish a game in the 4th quarter.


  1. You know Dave I thought you were right on track until I read your list of players you're considering for the cryosleep. How could you leave off the 'fins best player? BRANDON FIELDS THE WORLDS GREATEST PUNTER

  2. Haha. How could I forget Brandon Fields:MVP? Definitely need to reserve a pod for him.


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