Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Some Tips to Help the Miami Dolphins Look Good on Hard Knocks

Today, Coach Philbin announced our Miami Dolphins are gonna be on HBO's Hard Knocks! As a Dolphins fan, it's like finding out your child got cast as the lead in the school play but then remembering they have Tourette's; you feel excited but also a little nervous.

I like Hard Knocks so much I have watched seasons with the Chiefs and Bengals, teams I could care less about, so the fact that the Dolphins are finally on it is really exciting. But then you remember we are still run by Jeff Ireland and to say our team hasn't always been the most well-run is a bit of an understatement. We got this show because everyone else declined, but we want to try to make the best of it and look good.

With everything the Dolphins have to work on this offseason with a new coach who brings a whole new offense and defense, preparing for Hard Knocks should be the last thing on their minds. There are a few little things they can do that will help show them in their best light. When you want to improve as a team on the field, it's often helpful to watch film on an opponent. Off the field is no different. Here are 3 things the Dolphins can learn from when the New York Jets were on Hard Knocks to help them put their best foot forward.

Things We Can Learn From the Jets on Hard Knocks

1. Memorize all your kids names
Yes, I said all of them! Antonio Cromartie taught us how bad it makes you look when you struggle to remember all of your kids' names. I know it's a chore to try to remember every single one but it makes you look like I real dick if you have a hard time with it. Go home, write down your kids names and slide that sheet into your playbook. Also, you don't have to memorize all of their moms' names, but it would be nice.

2. No ShakeWeights
This should go without saying, but please don't do this. There are less homoerotic ways to get in shape. At least I hope there are.

3. Be Better Than Mark Sanchez
This is kind of a broad category, but if you watched the Jets  Hard Knocks season, you know what I mean. If you didn't hate Mark Sanchez before, you certainly did after. Sanchez did everything he could from lame pranks to bad jokes to generally being a whiny pussy constantly. For example:

Coach: Do you know what you need do better?

Mark Sanchez: Stop sucking (Sad puppydog frown)

Obviously we want our QB's to be better than Sanchez on the field but we need to at least be better than him off of it. Please Dolphins, if you've never been funny before, don't let this show be your first time.

The news that the team is going to finally be on Hard Knocks also brings sadness because there are a lot of Dolphins I would have loved to see on the show. Here is a short list of recent ones.

3 Recent Dolphins I Wish I Could Have Seen on Hard Knocks

1. Brandon Marshall
Two third round picks comes nowhere near compensating us for how much fun he would have been on this show. You think the Real Housewives are crazy? He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. From angrily punting a football to yelling at someone for no reason, he was a true wildcard. Hell, last offseason he got stabbed by his wife! That brand of crazy doesn't just grow on trees.

2. Ricky Williams
When Ricky showed up (which was not guaranteed), he was always a great interview. Even when he says stuff I totally disagree with, like a couple weeks ago when he told Le Batard that football doesn't cause concussions, he never gives the cliche "We gave 110%. Both teams played hard." bullshit. I would have enjoyed seeing the HBO crew follow him around.

3. Channing Crowder
There has not been a Dolphin in a long time who loved the camera and microphone the way he did. You could count on him saying some dumb things, like before the Giants game in London when he said he couldn't find London on the map, but he was never boring.

So that's all I got for now. I'm looking forward to a great season of Hard Knocks and hopefully a great season of football while crossing my fingers that neither embarrasses us.

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