Saturday, March 24, 2012

Last Call

This week, I've heard everyone from Peter King to The Onion all laughing at the pathetic Dolphins for failing time after time to sign the person they wanted. If the NFL is a bar, everyone in the bar has just seen us go up and try to hit on every pretty girl in the bar and get shot down by every single one before settling on some trainwrecks. Harbaugh, Jeff Fisher, Manning, Flynn, and Alex Smith all have all shot us down. Ireland has said that Flynn and Alex Smith were not hot enough to justify the Cristal champagne they were demanding, but they both would be way better than what we ended up signing. The bartender yelled "Last call!" and we settled for the only person who would go home with us. Of the QBs in their mid-30's who missed all of last season coming off neck surgery, we got the second best one. As things stand our future rests on David Garrard and a coach who has never been a head coach at any level, but at least we've still got our Pro Bowl wide receiver... Oh wait... Shit.

 In the coming weeks and months, I am going to use my extensive Madden skills and child-like Photoshop abilities to come up with ways to make the team better, but before you can change, you have to admit you have a problem. So how did we get here?

Last summer, with Sparano still under contract, Ireland and Ross flew out to Cali to sign Jim Harbaugh as their new coach. But, the funny thing about cheating on someone is the person you're cheating with knows what a dirtbag you are. Typically that doesn't make them feel any strong urge to commit to you which is exactly what happened. To make it worse, the whole national media found out so the Dolphins had to make it right with Sparano. There's no guilty flowers in the NFL, more like a Kobe-style $6 Million diamond ring of a contract extension (Kobe's was only $4 million).
After another dismal season of Sparano enthusiastically celebrating field goals, the Dolphins finished 6-10, which is a good record if you want your team to both miss the playoffs by a mile and also not have a chance at any top draft picks the next year. The record eliminated our chances at Luck or RGIII and it also spelled the end for Tony Sparano after 4 years which isn't bad compared to others.
Stephen Ross and Ireland began a search for a coach, but Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden decided to stay retired and Jeff Fisher decided to sign with the Rams after weeks of us pursuing him. We then settled on Joe Philbin, a Packers Offensive Coordinator who did not call plays. He is also just the second Dolphins head coach after Dave Wannstedt, aside from interim coaches, to have never been a head coach at any level before being hired for it. Yes, even Cam Cameron was a college head coach. I hope Joe Philbin is awesome and I later look dumb for commenting on his lack of HC experience, but he clearly was not their first choice.


That brings us to free agency. So far we have traded a psychotic but talented pro bowl receiver for peanuts and it was also reported that Stephen Ross told a fan that if we didn't trade Brandon Marshall for 2 crappy picks, we would have cut him. I guess it's comforting to know that the dumb move they made was not nearly as dumb as the move they almost made. We then cut a team captain (Yeremiah Bell) several weeks into free agency after most teams had signed other safeties (classy).Oh and we have also publicly pursued and been turned down by pretty much everyone who can throw a spiral.

Why does no one want to sign with us? For one thing, no one has ever accused Jeff Ireland of being charming. This is the same guy that asked a first round prospect if his mom was a prostitute at the combine. The same guy who stabbed his friend Tony Sparano in the back for Harbaugh without hesitation and who cut Bell without hesitation. In the last week, Channing Crowder and Joey Porter (Who knows everything about being a nice guy) have said he's a liar and and asshole. In fact, the only person who likes him seems to be Stephen Ross.

I have no idea what horrible information Jeff Ireland is blackmailing Stephen Ross with that allows him to keep his job, but I do know I wish had that kind of work situation. I'm sure we all wish we were allowed to be as crappy at our jobs as Jeff Ireland is and still keep them. If Jeff Ireland were as good at making coffee as he is at managing a football team, they would have asked for his green apron years ago. 

But for the time being, he is not going anywhere. So all we can do now is watch Youtube clips of Ryan Tannehill and pray that A. He will be a franchise quarterback and B. We will draft him. I want to believe it but after watching a whole night of our guys getting shot down by everyone in the bar, it becomes harder to think the next girl to walk in the bar is going to be a supermodel who will come right to us.

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