Joe Philbin Doesn't Yell

We are in the dog days of summer football. Last week was the first real training camp, which is always prime time for knee-jerk reactions.

Chad Ochocinco had a pretty good first camp, which means he's headed to a Pro Bowl!

Ryan Tannehill struggled to adjust to the speed of the NFL game which means he is a bust!

Reshad Jones and the defense dominated the offense so the defense will be good and the offense will be bad! Or they both will be good! Or they both will be bad!

I am glued to Omar Kelly's twitter feed every day of camp, but before pads come on, it's tough to really know anything at this point. With that in mind, I will state the only 2 things I have really taken away from camp so far.

 1. I Like Chad Ochocinco
I think my recent post about him being crazy may have made it seem like I don't like him, but I do. How do you not love a guy who proposed to his girlfriend and then went right back to playing Call of Duty? If we had to trade big draft picks for him or if we were paying him huge money, his nuttiness might be a concern, but for the veteran minimum, we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

2. Joe Philbin Doesn't Yell
I am not the first person to notice that Joe Philbin is not the yelling type, but he seems to have an almost supernatural calmness about things. To illustrate my point, below is a list of Google results. Keep in mind that Philbin's photo is the closest I could find to one of him yelling and he is probably just talking.

Obviously this isn't the most accurate way to gauge things, and I'm sure he has yelled at players before, but you get my point. When we had Cam Cameron, I wrote this post about how he needed to be scarier. Cam arrived as an offensive guru who was able to generate a huge offense in San Diego with players much better than ours, but he was also a pushover and ultimately players like Joey Porter walked all over him.


Obviously, yelling doesn't guarantee success. We just had a coach in Sparano who never stopped yelling. Eventually, the team went south and that yelling fell on deaf ears. But look at the coaches of the top 4 teams last year: The Brothers Harbaugh, Coughlin and Belichick. Which of those is the soft-spoken nice guy? There are a handful of nice-guy coaches who are successful like Tony Dungy or Dick Vermeil, but there are way more successful guys who either yell, or in the case of Mike Tomlin, give looks scary enough that they don't have to.

I hope Philbin is an offensive genius and this season is the beginning of a dynasty, but whether he succeeds or fails, people will say it's because of his demeanor. If he wins they'll say it's because of his ability to stay calm and if he fails they will say he wasn't tough enough on his players. Still, if he starts using phrases like "Fail Forward Fast", I'm gonna be nervous.

Get to Hate A Jet: Father's Day Edition

Happy Father's Day everyone. I hope you've all taken time today to hang out with your dad or at least called  to let him know that even though he's ill-tempered and emotionally absent, those mental scars have only made you into a more successful alcoholic. 

A little while ago I started a Get to Hate a Jet with my post on Tim Tebow, because I got tired of hating the Jets as a group and wanted to start hating them individually. So because it's Father's Day I've chosen a guy who is absolutely buried in Father's Day cards and macaroni art today.

Father's Day Edition:

Antonio Cromartie

Cromartie currently has 10 kids by 8 different women and he is expecting twins in November his wife bringing the total to 12. To put that in perspective, if his kids start a football team, one of them would still have to sit on the bench. In the future, no one will be able to complete passes because his army of kids will be intercepting them all. How does he remember all those kids' names? Very slowly. This is him trying to name them in 2010 when he (only) had 8 kids. (I posted this video on a Hard Knocks post a couple weeks ago but it just feels especially appropriate for today).

In his defense, that is a lot of kids and baby mamas to remember. Thankfully the New York Post made a chart to help him/us keep track.

These women have told a ton of stories to the Post that paint him as a less than ideal father. His ex-fiancee Rhonda Patterson, who he dumped a week before their $200,000 wedding and kicked out of their San Diego house while she was 6 months pregnant has said he only spent "a few hours" with their child since birth. While the Post isn't known for journalistic integrity and it's possible some of these women could be making some things up, it seems unlikely that that he is being a great dad to all 12 of these kids.

This movie was not meant to be a How-To

Thankfully, he has settled down with his wife, Terricka Cason. Well, kind of. Last month, cops broke down 2 doors at their house responding to a 911 call Cromartie placed after she texted him:
 “God forgive me, I don’t want to die. What have I done?” and “I cut my wrists. I took those pills.”
Police found no blood. It turned out she was just faking it to get his attention because she suspected him of cheating (Where would she get that idea?). When they brought her in for a psych evaluation she was surprised and said she was "exercising her First Amendment rights" which shows both her batshit craziness and her total lack of understanding of the Bill of Rights. Who knows? Maybe this is what it takes to stop him from cheating. More likely, he probably got a couple phone numbers at the psych ward because he's just that classy. Just one more reason to hate the Jets.

Brandon Marshall vs. Chad Ochocinco: A Crazy-Off

As you all know, last week the Dolphins signed Chad Ochocinco. We signed him to a pretty cheap contract and at the very least, the "Will he make the team?" storyline should make Hard Knocks slightly more exciting. Nothing makes for good reality TV like good old-fashioned crazy.

Now when I say crazy, I mean that in a different way than Brandon Marshall was crazy. They are both a bit nuts, but to paraphrase Super Troopers, Chad Ochocinco's shenanigans are cheeky and fun while Brandon Marshall's shenanigan's were cruel and tragic. There is no comparing their football skills because they are at much different phases of their careers, but you can definitely compare their craziness. I made this chart to try to show the similarities and differences between their mental illnesses.

 

Some Tips to Help the Miami Dolphins Look Good on Hard Knocks

Today, Coach Philbin announced our Miami Dolphins are gonna be on HBO's Hard Knocks! As a Dolphins fan, it's like finding out your child got cast as the lead in the school play but then remembering they have Tourette's; you feel excited but also a little nervous.

I like Hard Knocks so much I have watched seasons with the Chiefs and Bengals, teams I could care less about, so the fact that the Dolphins are finally on it is really exciting. But then you remember we are still run by Jeff Ireland and to say our team hasn't always been the most well-run is a bit of an understatement. We got this show because everyone else declined, but we want to try to make the best of it and look good.

With everything the Dolphins have to work on this offseason with a new coach who brings a whole new offense and defense, preparing for Hard Knocks should be the last thing on their minds. There are a few little things they can do that will help show them in their best light. When you want to improve as a team on the field, it's often helpful to watch film on an opponent. Off the field is no different. Here are 3 things the Dolphins can learn from when the New York Jets were on Hard Knocks to help them put their best foot forward.

Things We Can Learn From the Jets on Hard Knocks

1. Memorize all your kids names
Yes, I said all of them! Antonio Cromartie taught us how bad it makes you look when you struggle to remember all of your kids' names. I know it's a chore to try to remember every single one but it makes you look like I real dick if you have a hard time with it. Go home, write down your kids names and slide that sheet into your playbook. Also, you don't have to memorize all of their moms' names, but it would be nice.

2. No ShakeWeights

This should go without saying, but please don't do this. There are less homoerotic ways to get in shape. At least I hope there are.

3. Be Better Than Mark Sanchez

This is kind of a broad category, but if you watched the Jets  Hard Knocks season, you know what I mean. If you didn't hate Mark Sanchez before, you certainly did after. Sanchez did everything he could from lame pranks to bad jokes to generally being a whiny pussy constantly. For example:

Coach: Do you know what you need do better?

Mark Sanchez: Stop sucking (Sad puppydog frown)

Obviously we want our QB's to be better than Sanchez on the field but we need to at least be better than him off of it. Please Dolphins, if you've never been funny before, don't let this show be your first time.

The news that the team is going to finally be on Hard Knocks also brings sadness because there are a lot of Dolphins I would have loved to see on the show. Here is a short list of recent ones.

3 Recent Dolphins I Wish I Could Have Seen on Hard Knocks

1. Brandon Marshall

Two third round picks comes nowhere near compensating us for how much fun he would have been on this show. You think the Real Housewives are crazy? He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. From angrily punting a football to yelling at someone for no reason, he was a true wildcard. Hell, last offseason he got stabbed by his wife! That brand of crazy doesn't just grow on trees.

2. Ricky Williams

When Ricky showed up (which was not guaranteed), he was always a great interview. Even when he says stuff I totally disagree with, like a couple weeks ago when he told Le Batard that football doesn't cause concussions, he never gives the cliche "We gave 110%. Both teams played hard." bullshit. I would have enjoyed seeing the HBO crew follow him around.

3. Channing Crowder
There has not been a Dolphin in a long time who loved the camera and microphone the way he did. You could count on him saying some dumb things, like before the Giants game in London when he said he couldn't find London on the map, but he was never boring.

So that's all I got for now. I'm looking forward to a great season of Hard Knocks and hopefully a great season of football while crossing my fingers that neither embarrasses us.

Things Are Looking Up

For the past week, I've been in Ireland reconnecting with my rich alcoholic heritage. With my phone not working here, I've been getting news in tiny chunks. With the huge exception of the heartbreaking news about Junior Seau,  I've been surprised by the good news coming out about the Miami Dolphins

Ryan Tannehill is Looking Good

I didn't write a post-draft analysis because there are already a ton written by people with much more football experience, but I liked our draft. You can't really know for sure about a draft until years later, but it seemed like we were picking the best guys available rather than by need. Tannehill was a pick I really liked and apparently, he impressed at his first rookie camp. It doesn't mean much, but still it's better than hearing he did terrible.

Here are the top 3 reasons I like the Ryan Tannehill pick.

1. It gives us hope

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Post-Marino, we have repeatedly tried to get QB by either drafting a 2nd round QB (Beck, Henne, White) or trading 2nd round picks for them (Feely, Culpepper). While we did that, we watched Aaron Rogers and Matt Ryan slide right by. Sooner or later you have to roll the dice and I'm glad we finally did.

2. Mike Sherman believes in him
As I mentioned in my pre-draft post, our Offensive Coordinator was his college coach and he knows Tannehill better than anyone. If he's seen the good and the bad from Tannehill and wants to pick him 8th, I'm on board too. It also helps that the offense is similar enough that Tannehill said he already knows 80% of playbook.

3.Hot Wife

Hats this dumb are worn exclusively by hot chicks and/or the mentally ill

This has already been covered to death, but just in case you hadn't heard, Mrs. Tannehill is attractive. There is that scene in Moneyball where a scout says that an ugly girlfriend means no confidence and it would be great to think him having a hot wife somehow means something good about him, but it probably doesn't. What it does mean is that when they inevitably show her reaction shots from the crowd, it will be easier on the eyes. Generally I'm more into brunettes with curves, but with the 8th pick, you take what falls to you.

The good news doesn't stop there though...

We Finally Paid Cameron Wake!
I already wrote about this in this post. I like that we paid him and I also like that we didn't overpay. The deal we signed has been widely viewed as a smart one and I applaud the Dolphins for making these smart move.

I guess now we just patiently wait for the ransom not to arrive, because clearly Jeff Ireland has been kidnapped.

Draftacular 2012

For Dolphins fans, Draft day is like Christmas for the children of a deadbeat alcoholic. For bad football teams, the draft is a time for optimism. Hope for the best but prepare for disappointment. The draft process is kind of like relationships.

Dating: The Pre-Draft
We go out and try to find people we feel like we can commit to. We spend time with them and find out what their strengths are. We talk to them and try to gauge what kind of people they are. Most of them aren't perfect, they almost always come with baggage (injuries, criminal records, too many kids) . Often times we find people we like because they are good but if they could just change one or two things, they could be perfect.

Marriage: The Draft
We take the information we've been given and we commit. People act happy even while some murmur "What are they doing?" but it's our decision to make and we make it.

Honeymoon: Post Draft Bliss
After we choose our people we spend the time from then through the preseason trying to convince ourselves we made the right decision. As fans we comb through every training camp report looking for a sign that we've signed some future Hall of Famers.

Acceptance: Acceptance
Eventually, we finally have to accept what the people actually are. You see which flaws they can grow out of and which ones are just hardwired in who they are. Since Jimmy Johnson, the Dolphins have become known for our terrible judgement. We keep going from bad marriage to bad marriage with black eyes constantly claiming our guys "can change". As you can see on the chart below, in the Ireland administration, a lot of our marriages have ended in divorce.

Jeff Ireland's Drafts 2008-2011

Our most recent divorce with Phillip Merling (32nd overall pick) was just finalized last week. Some of the players on the chart may become starters by the time the season starts but the overall picture is clear. Two Pro Bowlers in 4 drafts. One was the first overall pick and the other is a kicker. Even among the starters there are just a few who seem likely to develop into stars. With all of these poor choices, Dolphins fans have become skeptical, which brings us to today. READ ON

The Dolphins Need to Stop Asking Us to Have Faith

Clyde Gates and Vontae Davis getting some off-season modelling work.

I don't normally write posts on Sundays, but this one felt appropriate. If you haven't already heard, Clyde Gates has recently moved into the t-shirt business. He has a line of shirts with BIM in big letters which stands for "Believe In Miami" or "Believe In Me". 

These shirts come 2 weeks after our new coach spoke to fans on a conference call and said,

“Sometimes you have to have faith. There’s a little bit of the chicken and the egg here, but I’m asking you for your faith and your confidence in me that I’m going to be able to deliver the results that will make everybody in Miami proud of what this football team does on the field and off the field."

Philbin preaches from the gospel of George Michael.

The word "faith" is a perfect word to use because faith is defined as a belief not based in proof. By that definition, all Dolphins fans already have faith. You can't be a Dolphin fan without it because all the proof the Dolphins have given us leaves faith as our only path to optimism. In fact, as a cynical atheist, my belief that the Dolphins could win the Super Bowl this season is the closest thing to real faith I've got.

As followers of the Dolphins, we have all read from the Book of Shula of a team that miraculously played an entire season of football without losing a game. We've heard stories of an Isotoner Gloved savior who broke all the NFL passing records but was tragically denied a Super Bowl. These stories are great, but it feels like they happened 2000 years ago. Our faith has been tested a lot since then. We've been wondering through the NFL desert for years now. Despite making the playoffs once in the last 10 seasons and finishing 6 of the last 8 seasons under .500, every Sunday (during the season) we still come out to show our faith.

To most people, that sounds like Scientology-level crazy.We have had faith in the last 7 coaches we've had in the 16 seasons since Shula. We've had faith in the 16 starting Quarterbacks in the past 12 seasons since Marino retired. Just this offseason, we had faith they'd get Manning. We had faith that they wouldn't trade away a Pro Bowl receiver for some 3rd round picks. We are holding onto faith but it's getting hard.

With all this proof stacked up against the Dolphins, the only place they can go is to preach faith. They can suggest this offseason seems like a disaster but maybe it's just part of a larger master plan that we mortals can't possibly understand. Maybe our next Pro Bowl QB is waiting for us in the draft. Maybe this time really is going to be different. We believe it because we have no choice.

That is why I hate Philbin asking us to have faith and Clyde Gates making those "Believe In Miami" shirts. I do believe in Miami. I have believed in Miami when I had no logical reason to do it. I've done my part just like all the Dolphins fans who have stuck with them through these hard times have. That's why those BIM shirts are bullshit. I've taken some time to draw up some better shirts for Clyde Gates and the other Dolphins players to wear.

If anyone reading this plays for the Dolphins and wants one of these shirts, let me know. It's the least I can do.