Friday, March 30, 2012

Who have the Dolphins Beaten? (Mostly their wives and girlfriends)

Koa Misi got arrested on charges of battery with serious injury and from the look in his eyes, he's very sorry about it. It hasn't yet been reported who the victim was so at this point we don't know. What we do know is this is the 12th violent arrest on the team in the last 10 years. This does not count arrests for DUI, drugs or players who were arrested when they weren't on our team (Brandon Marshall), just violent arrests by active players. Who have they attacked? Lets look at their stats.

Assault/Battery Arrests Since 2002
Their Pregnant Wife/Girlfriend 2
Their Nonpregnant Wife/Girlfriend 3
Police Officer 2
Random Person at Bar or Restaurant 3
Airport Gate Attendant 1
Not Sure Yet (Koa Misi) 1

Or to make it a bit more clear, how about a pie chart.

That's 12 violent arrests in 10 years and 1 playoff appearance in that span. No success on a football field could ever make up for violence off of it,  but it would be nice if our team could be something more than a work-release program.

3/31/11 Update:
Ok. So it turns out a 19 year old taunted him from a balcony. Later when that guy was sleeping, Misi punched through the door (Punching through doors? Who is he? The Hulk?) and beat the shit out of him. It's a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever taunted someone from a balcony. If you're going to taunt, taunt safe guys. There are a lot of angry NFL players out there.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bill Parcells is a Prostitute

Bill Parcells is a prostitute. It's no secret. Everyone in the NFL knows he will go anywhere and work with any team for the right price. He has now gone through 4 teams since he left the Giants, never staying more than 3 years with each team. We knew all this, but we were desperate so we hired him and for a while, he was our prostitute.

Like all prostitutes, he came to us with his ground rules. He would not coach, he would not work as a GM and I did not see his contract, but there was probably no kissing on the mouth. We were so desperate he even got a clause that if ownership changed, he could leave anytime he wanted. He knew we were desperate so he didn't come cheap. He signed a 4 year deal for a ton of money to turn the Dolphins around.

The beginning was great. He helped turn a 1-15 disaster into a 10-6 playoff team the first year. We were so happy we didn't want it to end. But then ownership changed and he saw a way out. He took the money the Dolphins left on the dresser for him and split, leaving the Dolphins with the blue balls of a half-built team. They say you don't pay prostitutes to come over, you pay them to leave but it would have been nice if he could have at least finished the job first.

If that was the end of it, it would be disappointing but understandable. We knew what we were getting into with him and we got it. Then in January of last year, Ian O'Connor reported that while Parcells was still drawing a paycheck from the Dolphins, he was instrumental in the Jets hire of Rex Ryan as a head coach. That's right. He was turning tricks on the side... with our arch-enemy... FOR FREE! Is Rex Ryan a better coach than Tony Sparano? Well, one of them is now working for the other.

Now, to rub even more salt in the wound, Parcells is considering coaching the Saints this season. All we can do is stand around with our blue balls feeling stupid that the prostitute who took our money, gave freebies to our rivals and left early is now considering doing all kinds of stuff for another team they had told us was off-limits. I hope he goes to the Saints and I hope he is an absolute disaster for them. I know it's a dick move to wish disasters on New Orleans after everything the city has been through, but that city was poorly built.  I believe it was renowned city planners Jefferson Starship who said if you want your city to thrive you don't build it on jazz. You build it on rock and roll.

Monday, March 26, 2012

"That's history. It's behind us."

A good way to gauge whether the Dolphins excuses for their terrible decisions are valid is to see if the tactics would work on my girlfriend. One of the most idiotic decisions the Dolphins have made recently was trading Pro Bowler Brandon Marshall to the Bears for two 3rd round picks. Now, Brandon Marshall was not a nice guy. He has always had a thing for the ladies, and by "thing" I mean backhand. Still, his talent will be sorely missed on a team lacking it.

The Dolphins have tried to spin it as a possible good thing, because who knows how good the picks might turn out to be? It reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter had to choose between a boat or a mystery box leading Peter to say "The mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat!" What we do know is our last four 3rd round picks: John Jerry, Patrick Turner, Kendall Langford and Lorenzo Booker do not equal one Brandon Marshall. Not even close. Only one of them, John Jerry, is even still on the team. Maybe Jeff Ireland will suddenly get lucky but it seems unlikely.

When the fans weren't buying the trade Stephen Ross started basically saying, "We were going to cut him so we were lucky to get 2 terrible picks." The logic seems to be "I did something dumb but I almost did something way more dumb." Is that valid? How would it work on my girlfriend:

My girlfriend: You traded my dog for lottery tickets?!?!?!?

Me: Yes I did. First off, these tickets might be able to buy hundreds of dogs. 
Secondly, I was going to give your dog away for nothing, so isn't this way better?

That logic would not work on my girlfriend just as it did not work on Dolphin fans.

Then, today in a press conference, Stephen Ross tried an even ballsier gambit. Asked about Brandon Marshall, he said “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us. It's a trade. He wasn't cut. We got fair value and we think the football team is better for it.” Wow. He restates the "We could have cut him" logic and that we got fair value which we clearly didn't, but ballsiest of all was “That's in the past. That's history. It's behind us." which would be totally valid if it wasn't 2 weeks ago! Let's go back to that scene with my girlfriend...

My girlfriend: You traded him away without even asking me! You are a monster!

Me: You're still yammering on about that? Look. It happened, ok? Neither of us can change it now. It's in the past. We have to move on with our lives in the present and later the future.

My Girlfriend: I just found out 10 minutes ago and you haven't even apologized!

Me: It's history! There's no changing it! I don't have a time machine! Do you want to live your whole life in the past?!?!?

And scene.

It is history, but unfortunately history shows us that Jeff Ireland has made a ton of stupid moves that turned out to be exactly as stupid as they seemed (Pat White) and until we learn from our history (Fire Jeff Ireland) we are doomed to repeat it.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Last Call

This week, I've heard everyone from Peter King to The Onion all laughing at the pathetic Dolphins for failing time after time to sign the person they wanted. If the NFL is a bar, everyone in the bar has just seen us go up and try to hit on every pretty girl in the bar and get shot down by every single one before settling on some trainwrecks. Harbaugh, Jeff Fisher, Manning, Flynn, and Alex Smith all have all shot us down. Ireland has said that Flynn and Alex Smith were not hot enough to justify the Cristal champagne they were demanding, but they both would be way better than what we ended up signing. The bartender yelled "Last call!" and we settled for the only person who would go home with us. Of the QBs in their mid-30's who missed all of last season coming off neck surgery, we got the second best one. As things stand our future rests on David Garrard and a coach who has never been a head coach at any level, but at least we've still got our Pro Bowl wide receiver... Oh wait... Shit.

 In the coming weeks and months, I am going to use my extensive Madden skills and child-like Photoshop abilities to come up with ways to make the team better, but before you can change, you have to admit you have a problem. So how did we get here?

Last summer, with Sparano still under contract, Ireland and Ross flew out to Cali to sign Jim Harbaugh as their new coach. But, the funny thing about cheating on someone is the person you're cheating with knows what a dirtbag you are. Typically that doesn't make them feel any strong urge to commit to you which is exactly what happened. To make it worse, the whole national media found out so the Dolphins had to make it right with Sparano. There's no guilty flowers in the NFL, more like a Kobe-style $6 Million diamond ring of a contract extension (Kobe's was only $4 million).
After another dismal season of Sparano enthusiastically celebrating field goals, the Dolphins finished 6-10, which is a good record if you want your team to both miss the playoffs by a mile and also not have a chance at any top draft picks the next year. The record eliminated our chances at Luck or RGIII and it also spelled the end for Tony Sparano after 4 years which isn't bad compared to others.
Stephen Ross and Ireland began a search for a coach, but Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden decided to stay retired and Jeff Fisher decided to sign with the Rams after weeks of us pursuing him. We then settled on Joe Philbin, a Packers Offensive Coordinator who did not call plays. He is also just the second Dolphins head coach after Dave Wannstedt, aside from interim coaches, to have never been a head coach at any level before being hired for it. Yes, even Cam Cameron was a college head coach. I hope Joe Philbin is awesome and I later look dumb for commenting on his lack of HC experience, but he clearly was not their first choice.


That brings us to free agency. So far we have traded a psychotic but talented pro bowl receiver for peanuts and it was also reported that Stephen Ross told a fan that if we didn't trade Brandon Marshall for 2 crappy picks, we would have cut him. I guess it's comforting to know that the dumb move they made was not nearly as dumb as the move they almost made. We then cut a team captain (Yeremiah Bell) several weeks into free agency after most teams had signed other safeties (classy).Oh and we have also publicly pursued and been turned down by pretty much everyone who can throw a spiral.

Why does no one want to sign with us? For one thing, no one has ever accused Jeff Ireland of being charming. This is the same guy that asked a first round prospect if his mom was a prostitute at the combine. The same guy who stabbed his friend Tony Sparano in the back for Harbaugh without hesitation and who cut Bell without hesitation. In the last week, Channing Crowder and Joey Porter (Who knows everything about being a nice guy) have said he's a liar and and asshole. In fact, the only person who likes him seems to be Stephen Ross.

I have no idea what horrible information Jeff Ireland is blackmailing Stephen Ross with that allows him to keep his job, but I do know I wish had that kind of work situation. I'm sure we all wish we were allowed to be as crappy at our jobs as Jeff Ireland is and still keep them. If Jeff Ireland were as good at making coffee as he is at managing a football team, they would have asked for his green apron years ago. 

But for the time being, he is not going anywhere. So all we can do now is watch Youtube clips of Ryan Tannehill and pray that A. He will be a franchise quarterback and B. We will draft him. I want to believe it but after watching a whole night of our guys getting shot down by everyone in the bar, it becomes harder to think the next girl to walk in the bar is going to be a supermodel who will come right to us.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

So it's been a while...

How long has it been since I wrote on this site? Well, last time I was writing for it, the main driver of traffic was Myspace. I have been away way too long and I will now quickly answer the questions that no one is asking.

Why did you stop writing for the site?
At first, I missed a couple weeks in 2008 because my workload had grown out of control. This site was something I loved doing but for a while, I just didn't have time to do it. The longer I didn't write, the more I told myself I couldn't go back to it. Eventually weeks turned into seasons.

Why are you back writing it?
Because Jeff Ireland would not let me rest! There is some anger that can only be expressed with crude jokes and a child's knowledge of Photoshop.

Ok. So with that out of the way, I welcome you to the new site. I have also reposted most of the material from the old site if you are itching for some Cleo Lemon jokes.